So it seems every time I join a game or a teamspeak channel, I get this question over and over. I got mod about a year ago, and everything was fine. But in the winter, I got super depressed and started making choices I didn't know would impact people in certain ways. For example, I was so pissed off and angry feeling sorry for myself I took it out on people who didn't deserve it. Right now, I'm sitting up in a room typing endlessly on a computer screen feeling sorry for myself. It's not right, and I need to better myself.
It pains me to look at the staff list, and know that I'll probably never be able to be a staff member again. All my stupid choices have consequences, and I've really messed up. I know most of you probably don't care, but I needed to speak my mind somewhere.
About two and a half years ago I started seeing a therapist because I tried something I will not disclose. Ever since, I've become angry, upset, and sat behind a computer screen with a horrible attitude, thinking, "wow, even every one playing this game hates me too
" But I know I need to change, and I'm gonna give it one more shot. I know most people won't forgive me, and I'm okay with that.
This time around, I'm gonna do everything I can to be the best person I can be. I'm gonna stop feeling sorry for myself and become something. I'm gonna try to right my wrongs, one person at a time. Every move I made I felt like I was doing something wrong, and I don't want to feel like that anymore. Every choice I made I felt like somebody was going to be affected, and not in a good way. I never knew what to do and I felt so lost. I need to change for the better, and I've changed for the worse by making my crappy choices.
So here I am again, feeling even more lost, and now that school is over for the summer, I have no one. I've tried being nice, but it seems to be a futile attempt. Every day after football, I just come back to the same old computer screen like I do every day and make everyone hate me some way or another, and it really pains me to see this happen. The amount of positive feedback I got back in the day when I was a moderator in the early days was outstanding. It felt like I could talk to anyone, and I could become friends with them. Every game I joined, "Cruel!" "Hey dude!
"
But now, every time I try and speak with someone I get shut down, or it seems like they don't care anymore. Instead of people excited to see me in game, its more like, "Where is your platinum rank loser?" "Why don't you have friend rank no-life?" even the worst ones, "Cruel what happened to you? You used to be so cool." It seems like every attempt I have at making friends is just worthless, and my choices have led to this.
So to answer the question the thread stated, "what happened to you cruel?" I've changed for the worse. I need to better my life, and it's hard for me to do. I hate it when people feel sorry for me, and I hate it when people just ignore everything. I suck at making friends and I can't right my wrongs. Even through that, I'm still going to try again, to prove to all of you I'm not someone who is a loser, and that I can be someone that can make a difference.
