"What ever happened to you"

[CruelDefiance]

So it seems every time I join a game or a teamspeak channel, I get this question over and over. I got mod about a year ago, and everything was fine. But in the winter, I got super depressed and started making choices I didn't know would impact people in certain ways. For example, I was so pissed off and angry feeling sorry for myself I took it out on people who didn't deserve it. Right now, I'm sitting up in a room typing endlessly on a computer screen feeling sorry for myself. It's not right, and I need to better myself.

It pains me to look at the staff list, and know that I'll probably never be able to be a staff member again. All my stupid choices have consequences, and I've really messed up. I know most of you probably don't care, but I needed to speak my mind somewhere.

About two and a half years ago I started seeing a therapist because I tried something I will not disclose. Ever since, I've become angry, upset, and sat behind a computer screen with a horrible attitude, thinking, "wow, even every one playing this game hates me too " But I know I need to change, and I'm gonna give it one more shot. I know most people won't forgive me, and I'm okay with that.

This time around, I'm gonna do everything I can to be the best person I can be. I'm gonna stop feeling sorry for myself and become something. I'm gonna try to right my wrongs, one person at a time. Every move I made I felt like I was doing something wrong, and I don't want to feel like that anymore. Every choice I made I felt like somebody was going to be affected, and not in a good way. I never knew what to do and I felt so lost. I need to change for the better, and I've changed for the worse by making my crappy choices.

So here I am again, feeling even more lost, and now that school is over for the summer, I have no one. I've tried being nice, but it seems to be a futile attempt. Every day after football, I just come back to the same old computer screen like I do every day and make everyone hate me some way or another, and it really pains me to see this happen. The amount of positive feedback I got back in the day when I was a moderator in the early days was outstanding. It felt like I could talk to anyone, and I could become friends with them. Every game I joined, "Cruel!" "Hey dude!"

But now, every time I try and speak with someone I get shut down, or it seems like they don't care anymore. Instead of people excited to see me in game, its more like, "Where is your platinum rank loser?" "Why don't you have friend rank no-life?" even the worst ones, "Cruel what happened to you? You used to be so cool." It seems like every attempt I have at making friends is just worthless, and my choices have led to this.

So to answer the question the thread stated, "what happened to you cruel?" I've changed for the worse. I need to better my life, and it's hard for me to do. I hate it when people feel sorry for me, and I hate it when people just ignore everything. I suck at making friends and I can't right my wrongs. Even through that, I'm still going to try again, to prove to all of you I'm not someone who is a loser, and that I can be someone that can make a difference.

 

[Deformed]

Mate, don't do anything you'll regret. Life is a winding journey and we all have our ups and downs. You've definitely heard that before, but it's true.

If you ever need to talk, please PM me.

 

[C0nsole]

I think it takes a lot of maturity to step up and realize what you've done and what people think of you. It takes even more to ask for forgiveness and a way like this. I, as just one single person, am willing to wipe the slate that is my opinion of you as a person.


Who is CruelDefiance, what's he like? I don't know, never met him

 

[Blazerboy | Noah]

Good luck

 

[Kupi]

CruelDefiance wtf man I'm always their for you if you ever need anyone to talk to I can be there man I just don't want to see you gone again

 

[Mango]

When clicking on this thread I didn't have an opinion on you because I don't really know you. After reading that, I hope you can right all the wrongs and at least have a chance at becoming a staff member again. It takes an immense amount of maturity to say all the things you have said. If you ever want to talk I'm often on the team speak.

 

[cf918]

Matthew, you are truly an amazing person and friend, easy to talk to, kind and very easy going. We all have our issues, I can write a college term paper on my problems, but instead of looking at them, and saying ill live with them, I go ahead and say, let me change them. That is key, and that is what, in my opinion, you are doing here. This is the very best way of going about your issues, because before you can change anyone else, you have to change yourself. Keep up everything you do, because you do it great, ttyl.

 

[Toe]

I haven't personally talked to you, but from the few games I was in with you, you seemed like a truly genuine guy. I was a BK, and u gave me a win. That is something some "loser" would do. All you need to do is continue to be who you feel like you want to be, and I think everything will turn out just fine. So, to conclude, just be the guy you feel like you want to be.

 

[Toast]

Attempting to read in-between the lines here, so I may be wrong, but your situation sounds more or less exactly like mine. Trust me, you aren't alone assuming I know exactly what you are talking about that you don't want to disclose. There's no way for me to tell you anything positive about life without me being a hypocrite or a liar, so I'll just tell you this. Life sucks, and there's no changing that, but for whatever reason, there's too many people who need you, so if you keep them happy, you might just make yourself smile too.

 

[smashmaster]

Im guesing you tried drugs... Ya there tempting. I will tell u I never liked you u seemed to kind of not be the nicest person in the world but I dont hate you considering Im going though the same Good ill tell u a little bit of my story. To make this simple i met a friend who I found out had been on probation anyway we started ditching church, shoplifting and doing tons of dum ass stuff. I got cought and all I was was depressed i didnt have many friends at the time so I just wanted someone to hang out with and look were it got me put in a lockdown like place seeing a doctor once a week and feeling suicidel but I let it go im still mad at well idk myself but u have to let it go even when you atract all the stoners .

 

[Sixorr]

Matt, you will always hold the greatest memories for me of MC. Over the past few months, we've been talking less and less, and I don't like that. I feel like we've done a lot together, and I don't want all of our amazing memories to end. We need to get CS:GO, or find some game to play together, as Minecraft isn't really enjoyable for me anymore. Who knows, maybe we even need to bring back the good old panda skins

We used to be like brothers, and I feel like we're growing apart. I'm not going to let that happen.

 

[Exodus]

humans make mistakes my friend
people change
you can't find a single person who was changed throughout their time to mcsg
so trying to be a good person is a good decision
but just remember
ur not the only one to blame for becoming a shadow of your old self