A Story I Wrote

[Cole]

tl;dr

I have the jist of what that stands for, but what does it fully mean? And it is a story, like a book.

Have you ever considered doing NanoWrimo?

What is it?
Read up on it
Seems interesting enough, just that november is nearly over and i started righting (like creative writing) last month, so i am not skilled and spend time fixing mistakes, but i will next year if i remember.

 

[Lively]

Please be aware that this post is not intended to be abusive. I am being blunt. This point of this criticism is to help you and help you grow as a writer. I may ask you questions that you don't have an answer to, and that's alright. Some of my comments may seem harsh, but they are there to help you.

Spoiler: In-Depth Critique and Analysis.

Terry's father was a military who liked to pump weights and act very professional around anyone but his family.

His father is an entire military? Might wanna clarify that a bit. Also, the "Pump weights" bit is not good characterization, whereas the other bit was pretty decent. That kind of characterization is better suited for indirect characterization, where you describe the person doing that action and the reader will be able to understand better. From this sentence, I understand that the father is strong and probably rather resolute. I like that. It fits well with a military man.

Terry's Father was commander of fleet Heelo-six under Italy's control

Father doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, if Heelo is capitalized, it'd be better to capitalize the six, or change it to a number, ex: Heelo-6 or Heelo-Six

All of his families friends were there to celebrate their new born child

This sentence is quite awkward. First of all, "families" should be in its possessive form: "family's." Second it could be rewritten for clarification. Who's new born baby are they celebrating, the family's or the friends'?

Heelo-Six was a flying city watching over Italy that was ready to attack or defend on command of the Italian forces.

Why is this here? It would be more logical for this sentence to either be before the previous sentence, or to have the previous sentence moved to become the second sentence.

One of Terry's favorite stories was reading about how the world has advanced.

Woah, time skip. How much time has moved forward? Is this a flashback to his childhood. You've given me next to no explanation or exposition. You need both to have a decent story.

The world advanced a lot since the times of a corrupt government

I don't remember a specific time where the majority of governments were corrupt. All governments have bits of corruption here and there, it's unavoidable. Corrupt governments could refer to anything from Rome, to present day.

The Declaration Of Independence gave the American citizens the right to attack the government, and they did.

That's not what that means at all. The line in question:

That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government,

And

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security

These lines do not give the people the right to attack the government. These lines give the people the right to change their government to better protect themselves and their futures. Sure, people may need to get violent to change the government, but there are much easier and safer ways to change the government. And these stipulations are only for if the government is purposely running the nation into the ground or if its being cruel and abusive to its people.

he President and many other officials were shot and killed in the year 2048.

How and why?

Aliens were being kept secret, and citizens contacted them, asking them to come form a great government.

Wait... What? Aliens? Really? That really came out of left field. It doesn't logically have a place in the story right now. I mean, right now, it's just "Suddenly, Aliens!" And then we ask them to make us a government? That is a really horrible idea. Just saying. Remember the cold war? That was basically a lot of countries asking, or in some cases not asking, the USSR for a new government. That really didn't end up well.

And they did, bullying and crime were at a low, space exploration and building were up high, education was fixed.

Aliens make everything better through unexplained technology and methods. How do they do these things? Ok, so crime and bullying are dropping. Great. What about everything else? Wars? People are mostly likely still angry over something. "Your land is shiny, I want it!" That's how some wars start. Look at the way World War II started. You can't just magically make the world perfect. It's psychologically and governmentally impossible.

The Golden Ages became Platinum ages in a few short years.

What? What are the "Golden Ages?" What does that even mean? If this is supposed to be exposition, this is very poor exposition. I haven't really learned anything, and I've only been left with more questions.

Every night Terry's father would read this story to him before he went to bed, until Terry was six.

Move that clause at the end to the front of the sentence. It'd flow better.

The Atamari government then made sure tha-." The whole house had shook and the commander briefly stopped as it was unusually for turbulence on Heelo-Six.

So... This is a rather abrupt change from world-building to actual storytelling. It breaks the flow a bit.

"What's happening daddy," scared little Terry asked, pulling the blankets up over his body and over his head like a child afraid of monsters.

The grammar could be better here. Grammar aside, this sentence is redundant. You tell us that Terry is scared, then compare him to a scared child. One of the two should be dropped. Also, you're comparing a scared child to a scared child. That's a rather broken metaphor.

"Nothing child, just stay in bed while daddy makes a call to base," the commander said as he exited his childs room and walked into his housed control room. "Heelo-Six pilot, what was that?"

Again, grammar should be checked. Now, we're going to get into some actual story telling mechanics. Specifically, point of view, or POV. When writing you have to ask yourself this question: "How much do I want the audience to know?" If you want the audience to know the majority of what's going on and be aware of all the happenings, I'd suggest Third-Person Omniscient. This means that the audience knows many of the characters' thoughts and motives. If you'd like the readers to know what's going on around the main character and little else to add tension, drama, or other storytelling elements, I'd suggest Third-Person Limited. This POV is the most common as it is rather easy to write and often times can lead to more detail than the other two. This means that you only know the main character's thoughts and motives. You may not even know those, but the author will use characterization and character interaction to show character motives. The third and last type of POV is First-Person. This means that you tell the entire story from the perspective of the main character. The reader can only see what the character can see, and the reader can only know what the character knows. This POV is very immersive, but is oftentimes very challenging to write.

The reason I bring this up is over the fact of the main character. Is the main character the father, or the child? I'm asking because you have the father leave the child's room, go to another portion of the house which is presumably sound proofed, as it is a control center, and still have the reader know the question. This is illogical as I know the boy is the main character. How could he have logically heard the question that the father asked. Here's some ways that this could be solved, while still maintaining that line. Perhaps the boy quietly follows him, and hears the father just outside the control room. Or perhaps the father had a communicator and he simply stepped outside the room to communicate with the pilot. Either way, you should try to solve this error.

Don't be worried if you never really knew this kind of stuff. A lot of inexperienced writers miss those kinds of errors. Remember to learn from your mistakes, so in the future your writing will improve.

"Sir, what was what," the pilot asked over the comms.

Interesting, the pilots did not experience any turbulence. I like it. It opens an avenue that could be explored later in the writing.

"Is it that bad," The commander yelled into his microphone loud enough to make Terry pull the covers up over his head. Terry's father sprints into Terrys room. "Terry let me see your angelic face once again," he speaks, his voice pitch flowing up and down, and with a tear streaming out of his blue eyes.

What? So... Something is horribly bad, yet you give no indication what it is or how bad it is. I'm rather confused. The father is inexplicably and possibly irrationally afraid he'll never see his son again. Even if you don't want to reveal all the answers or details right now, you'll want to give at least a little bit of context. It'll serve well for foreshadowing. Also you repeat the word/name "Terry" quite often. Try to combine sentences that begin similarly or find ways to edit the repeated phrases out.

"What happening dad?," Terry asked again, a faint humming coming from the room. Seeing his father cry, Terry began to cry a little too.

Which room? As for the second sentence, we run into a bit of repetition again. Try to be a bit more descriptive to make it sound better. Here's an example: Seeing his father so upset, Terry began to whimper softly.

"Nothing child, I just wish your mother and I could have kept you longer," the commander starts to break down, wiping tears from his face, hugging his child harder then a wrapped Christmas present.

Ah, tension over loosing a child. Sets up a good bit of foreshadowing and drama later. Pretty good. And then a weird metaphor that breaks the tone quite a bit. Here, we'll get into another aspect of good writing: Tone. When writing a piece, you have to remember the tone for the scene. Tone is your word choice, your literary element choice (Metaphors, similes, etc...), and your sentence flow. All of this goes together to set the emotion for that scene/chapter/part/whatever. Let's say you're writing a scene with the emotion being anger. You won't suddenly make a comparison to a kitten lapping milk. It completely breaks the tone and throws the reader from their immersion. You set up this scene quite well, with the father desperate about losing his son, and suddenly a reference to something that would normally be very joyous or happy. Try to change the metaphor, or drop it completely.

The humming continues, like the sound of a saw on wood.

Again, kind of a weird comparison. It's not as much of a tone breaker though.

"Daddy, you and mommy can keep me forever," Terry said, crying but smiling up at his father, liking the attention.

The next part of writing stories that a lot of newcomers make when writing is this: Human psychology. If you're a very young child, if your father is suddenly extremely afraid of something, you'll be at least somewhat confused or afraid, if not just as terrified. To children, adults, especially their parents, are emotional rocks. If a child's emotional rock is suddenly breaking down into tears, they'll be quite upset. If their dad is scared, it must be something horrible to make them so afraid. Remember to think logically when writing character interaction. Take into account psychology as that can be a major factor in conversations.

For example, if psychology wasn't used in The Hunger Games, Katniss may not have volunteered. She's already described as a bit of a loner. So where it anyone else or if the author hadn't demonstrated her extreme love for her sister (Which is a natural human emotional bond) we'd never have the stories we know and love.

The humming sound, as it had become white noise stopped, as the room was filled with silence like a midnight sky on a cool winter night.

You're going kinda overkill on the metaphors. Try your hand at similes or other comparison devices. Also, the first bit is quite confusing and could stand to be rewritten.

"BOOSHK" a circular hole in the roof falls in as three men dressed in all black with ropes tied around their waist enter the room through the hole.

You know, there are easier ways to enter a house. Like, you know, the doors. Breach and clear. Easier, cheaper, more efficient.

One has a gun and whips Terry's father with the handle of the gun,

There are much better ways to incapacitate someone. If you have the drop on them, a choke hold could work. Smoke would also have been smart. The targets wouldn't know what's going on. Also, you repeat the word "gun." Could be changed to make it flow better.

One of the men, taller one, grabs Terry and pulls him from the covers as the other one ties a rope around his waist and tugs the rope pulling Terry to his side. All three men are pulled into the air with terry at the same time as each other.

These sentences run-on a bit too much. You could rewrite these sentences for clarification and brevity.

There, I've done the first part of the story. Would you like me to do an in-depth analysis of the other parts as well?

 

[Nafeynafe]

I have the jist of what that stands for, but what does it fully mean? And it is a story, like a book.

What is it?

It means "too long, didn't read" the story's great, but i'm too lazy to read all of it

 

[Cole]

Please be aware that this post is not intended to be abusive. I am being blunt. This point of this criticism is to help you and help you grow as a writer. I may ask you questions that you don't have an answer to, and that's alright. Some of my comments may seem harsh, but they are there to help you.

Spoiler: In-Depth Critique and Analysis.

His father is an entire military? Might wanna clarify that a bit. Also, the "Pump weights" bit is not good characterization, whereas the other bit was pretty decent. That kind of characterization is better suited for indirect characterization, where you describe the person doing that action and the reader will be able to understand better. From this sentence, I understand that the father is strong and probably rather resolute. I like that. It fits well with a military man.


Father doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, if Heelo is capitalized, it'd be better to capitalize the six, or change it to a number, ex: Heelo-6 or Heelo-Six



This sentence is quite awkward. First of all, "families" should be in its possessive form: "family's." Second it could be rewritten for clarification. Who's new born baby are they celebrating, the family's or the friends'?



Why is this here? It would be more logical for this sentence to either be before the previous sentence, or to have the previous sentence moved to become the second sentence.



Woah, time skip. How much time has moved forward? Is this a flashback to his childhood. You've given me next to no explanation or exposition. You need both to have a decent story.



I don't remember a specific time where the majority of governments were corrupt. All governments have bits of corruption here and there, it's unavoidable. Corrupt governments could refer to anything from Rome, to present day.



That's not what that means at all. The line in question:

And


These lines do not give the people the right to attack the government. These lines give the people the right to change their government to better protect themselves and their futures. Sure, people may need to get violent to change the government, but there are much easier and safer ways to change the government. And these stipulations are only for if the government is purposely running the nation into the ground or if its being cruel and abusive to its people.



How and why?



Wait... What? Aliens? Really? That really came out of left field. It doesn't logically have a place in the story right now. I mean, right now, it's just "Suddenly, Aliens!" And then we ask them to make us a government? That is a really horrible idea. Just saying. Remember the cold war? That was basically a lot of countries asking, or in some cases not asking, the USSR for a new government. That really didn't end up well.



Aliens make everything better through unexplained technology and methods. How do they do these things? Ok, so crime and bullying are dropping. Great. What about everything else? Wars? People are mostly likely still angry over something. "Your land is shiny, I want it!" That's how some wars start. Look at the way World War II started. You can't just magically make the world perfect. It's psychologically and governmentally impossible.



What? What are the "Golden Ages?" What does that even mean? If this is supposed to be exposition, this is very poor exposition. I haven't really learned anything, and I've only been left with more questions.



Move that clause at the end to the front of the sentence. It'd flow better.



So... This is a rather abrupt change from world-building to actual storytelling. It breaks the flow a bit.



The grammar could be better here. Grammar aside, this sentence is redundant. You tell us that Terry is scared, then compare him to a scared child. One of the two should be dropped. Also, you're comparing a scared child to a scared child. That's a rather broken metaphor.



Again, grammar should be checked. Now, we're going to get into some actual story telling mechanics. Specifically, point of view, or POV. When writing you have to ask yourself this question: "How much do I want the audience to know?" If you want the audience to know the majority of what's going on and be aware of all the happenings, I'd suggest Third-Person Omniscient. This means that the audience knows many of the characters' thoughts and motives. If you'd like the readers to know what's going on around the main character and little else to add tension, drama, or other storytelling elements, I'd suggest Third-Person Limited. This POV is the most common as it is rather easy to write and often times can lead to more detail than the other two. This means that you only know the main character's thoughts and motives. You may not even know those, but the author will use characterization and character interaction to show character motives. The third and last type of POV is First-Person. This means that you tell the entire story from the perspective of the main character. The reader can only see what the character can see, and the reader can only know what the character knows. This POV is very immersive, but is oftentimes very challenging to write.

The reason I bring this up is over the fact of the main character. Is the main character the father, or the child? I'm asking because you have the father leave the child's room, go to another portion of the house which is presumably sound proofed, as it is a control center, and still have the reader know the question. This is illogical as I know the boy is the main character. How could he have logically heard the question that the father asked. Here's some ways that this could be solved, while still maintaining that line. Perhaps the boy quietly follows him, and hears the father just outside the control room. Or perhaps the father had a communicator and he simply stepped outside the room to communicate with the pilot. Either way, you should try to solve this error.

Don't be worried if you never really knew this kind of stuff. A lot of inexperienced writers miss those kinds of errors. Remember to learn from your mistakes, so in the future your writing will improve.



Interesting, the pilots did not experience any turbulence. I like it. It opens an avenue that could be explored later in the writing.



What? So... Something is horribly bad, yet you give no indication what it is or how bad it is. I'm rather confused. The father is inexplicably and possibly irrationally afraid he'll never see his son again. Even if you don't want to reveal all the answers or details right now, you'll want to give at least a little bit of context. It'll serve well for foreshadowing. Also you repeat the word/name "Terry" quite often. Try to combine sentences that begin similarly or find ways to edit the repeated phrases out.



Which room? As for the second sentence, we run into a bit of repetition again. Try to be a bit more descriptive to make it sound better. Here's an example: Seeing his father so upset, Terry began to whimper softly.



Ah, tension over loosing a child. Sets up a good bit of foreshadowing and drama later. Pretty good. And then a weird metaphor that breaks the tone quite a bit. Here, we'll get into another aspect of good writing: Tone. When writing a piece, you have to remember the tone for the scene. Tone is your word choice, your literary element choice (Metaphors, similes, etc...), and your sentence flow. All of this goes together to set the emotion for that scene/chapter/part/whatever. Let's say you're writing a scene with the emotion being anger. You won't suddenly make a comparison to a kitten lapping milk. It completely breaks the tone and throws the reader from their immersion. You set up this scene quite well, with the father desperate about losing his son, and suddenly a reference to something that would normally be very joyous or happy. Try to change the metaphor, or drop it completely.



Again, kind of a weird comparison. It's not as much of a tone breaker though.


The next part of writing stories that a lot of newcomers make when writing is this: Human psychology. If you're a very young child, if your father is suddenly extremely afraid of something, you'll be at least somewhat confused or afraid, if not just as terrified. To children, adults, especially their parents, are emotional rocks. If a child's emotional rock is suddenly breaking down into tears, they'll be quite upset. If their dad is scared, it must be something horrible to make them so afraid. Remember to think logically when writing character interaction. Take into account psychology as that can be a major factor in conversations.

For example, if psychology wasn't used in The Hunger Games, Katniss may not have volunteered. She's already described as a bit of a loner. So where it anyone else or if the author hadn't demonstrated her extreme love for her sister (Which is a natural human emotional bond) we'd never have the stories we know and love.



You're going kinda overkill on the metaphors. Try your hand at similes or other comparison devices. Also, the first bit is quite confusing and could stand to be rewritten.



You know, there are easier ways to enter a house. Like, you know, the doors. Breach and clear. Easier, cheaper, more efficient.


There are much better ways to incapacitate someone. If you have the drop on them, a choke hold could work. Smoke would also have been smart. The targets wouldn't know what's going on. Also, you repeat the word "gun." Could be changed to make it flow better.



These sentences run-on a bit too much. You could rewrite these sentences for clarification and brevity.

There, I've done the first part of the story. Would you like me to do an in-depth analysis of the other parts as well?

I took this greatly and i greatly appreciate the effort you put into doing this, you see a lot of the things like the alien government and the gun whip were used for a reason, i though of many ways and i really don't want to spoil why they did what they did, all i will say is this was not a coincidence, and they had to enter a flying military base stealth fully and quickly.

To add, your right about the metaphors, i was just trying my hand at things, writing a sloppy mess to later revise over and over again until i get to the finish.

Then, there are typos and things i do need to change like "he was a military" was supposed to be "he was a military man"

Really i thank you for the constructive criticism, and tbh, go ahead on the 2nd one, but only if you have time.

ATM, leave anything that leaves you puzzled *E.I.* How some of the time changes in the 2nd half, aliens, HG, and the apocalypse. It'll all be explained soon.

 

[Lively]

I took this greatly and i greatly appreciate the effort you put into doing this, you see a lot of the things like the alien government and the gun whip were used for a reason, i though of many ways and i really don't want to spoil why they did what they did, all i will say is this was not a coincidence, and they had to enter a flying military base stealth fully and quickly.

To add, your right about the metaphors, i was just trying my hand at things, writing a sloppy mess to later revise over and over again until i get to the finish.

Then, there are typos and things i do need to change like "he was a military" was supposed to be "he was a military man"

Really i thank you for the constructive criticism, and tbh, go ahead on the 2nd one, but only if you have time.

I'll try to do it tomorrow when I have a spare moment. As for your explanation for having a reason for using those things, I'd highly suggest you at least give some sort of explanation. Detail is always good.

 

[Cole]

I'll try to do it tomorrow when I have a spare moment. As for your explanation for having a reason for using those things, I'd highly suggest you at least give some sort of explanation. Detail is always good.

How do i do the spoiler thing, like you have to click to see it? I can tell you why now if youd prefer, just want to cover it up for any users (doubt any of them hardcore follow this thread but still.)

 

[Lively]

How do i do the spoiler thing, like you have to click to see it? I can tell you why now if youd prefer, just want to cover it up for any users (doubt any of them hardcore follow this thread but still.)

You click this button: http://gyazo.com/2971fa28f7417cfb2516a025cd1909a5

It's next to the insert media button.

 

[Cole]

IF YOU DO NOT WANT THE STORY SPOILED. Do not click this!

Spoiler: Spoiler

Aliens had the government because once the people abolished their old government, they didnt know what to do, contact aliens, peaceful ones to come rule congress. They basically asked, accepted, and then became a great congress who never took to long, and did what was right. Now for the gun whip and the kidnapping. Heelo-Six was running low on supplies it needed and Italy was going to cancel the project and retire everybody. Being a failure was not on Commander White's agenda. he ran across Project U.T.O.P.I.A, a group that took children and trained them to become the soldiers they could be through intense process and highly advanced technology, along with supplying education and needs any child would have. They pay you for the children and write up a contract. Mr.White regrets his choice but dosen't do anything to stop it.The contract states that Mr.White will be harmed slightly and they make it all look like Terry was being kidnapped so his wife wouldn't know what he'd done. The alchemist finds this out later by going through records in UTOPIA's file safe, stumbling across his own and many other's contracts. he then proceeds to assassinate all the guards and blame it on North Koreans, fooling everyone that the North Koreans took down the base.

 

[StaticReach]

Honestly, I was completely taken a back with the story and slowly inspected the beautifully written essay. You definitely worked hard on it and it evidently showed when I read the story. All I can say is fantastic job on this story and I hope that you create more in the near future. All in all I love it and please maintain the prudent work in which you submit.

 

[Cole]

Honestly, I was completely taken a back with the story and slowly inspected the beautifully written essay. You definitely worked hard on it and it evidently showed when I read the story. All I can say is fantastic job on this story and I hope that you create more in the near future. All in all I love it and please maintain the prudent work in which you submit.

Thanks means a lot, my teachers are coaching me through the publishing process even though i already know how