Alright, so, first things first, boil a chicken leg at 650 degrees, while dancing a Russian jig. Once the chicken has cooked so long the pot has started to boil over, take a large Italian goose, and dip it's foot into the water for -35 seconds. Once done, continue the cooking of the chicken leg, and perform 73 squats. After the squats are finished, return to the chicken leg. It should be totally burned and obliterated by now, which is perfect. Take the chicken leg, or what's left of it, and chop it in half. Duct tape a chicken leg-half on each of your 17 (possibly only 2) hands, and enjoy the warmth.
*may or may not also include ridiculously sticky, uncomfortable hands*