Hello tributes, now your thinking, "haven't I seen enough of this already!" But in reality I would really like to share my story. And this is going to be a hard one, but I will manage.
Now let's see, my depression started around the start of 2015. One day I just started! It felt like I was useless and had now purpose. And this would be a on and off thing. One day, I would be at the top of the world and the next feel like I just did not want to go to school. And to have a talk about school, around January I was going about my regular school day. And then around break I came out of class and was addressed by two very snotty popular people I don't ever talk to. They told me so doing I never wanted anyone to know, that I am homosexual or many use the term "gay". It felt like a punch in the gut, like I have been betrayed and now the whole school knows. I did not tell anyone about how I felt and how I would "label" my sexual orientation. I was not emotionally ready to face everyone. But as it got out, everyone knew. People would make fun of me, impersonate me, and I just felt terrible. So I came home that day, and it felt like my depression got 10x worse.
The next day I did not want to go to school. I felt horrible inside and was truly afraid of everyone. But being forced to go to school I had to stick it out, day after day, and hold in my emotions. At the same time MCGamer was counting on me to moderate. I had already took a leave of absence before and I had to take another one. And I felt like demotion for Inactivity was coming soon. All these factors lead to one of the worse things you can do to yourself, cutting. I felt like cutting was an escape, the pain was there, but in the end just helped. I knew if I accidentally ended my life it would be okay. I could escape the abuse and harassment at school, escape MCGamer, escape everything. I did get to a point were my cutting was so bad it went up and down both arms and thighs. It was a horrible experience.
Day after day I would keep cutting. Nothing would change, and it started to get bad. Then I thought of someone I have been eyeing for a while. I had a crush which is now and ex-mod here at MCGamer and maybe if I talked to him it would take away some of the pain. So I headed on teamspeak and I was relieved when I saw him on one of my teamspeak server channels. I joined and was greeted with a hello. We talked and talked, the. I told him I had a thing for him. He told me one something that really broke my heart. He was bi-sexual, but he simply did not like me. And that hurt. That stung and can still remember him saying that today. It still did not help my depression. And to this day have been not in contact with him.
Now let's fast forward to late February. With all the things happening in my life my grades started to drop. And when I mean drop I mean really fall. My parents would yell at me constantly to get my grades up and it never happened. And that's when I made a choice, I went onto the teamspeak, poked Vanessa and told her I wish to resign from MCGamer. She is such a sweet person and she understood. I left that teamspeak feeling really bad. And to this day regret that choice.
Now let's fast forward to March. March was the most dramatic month of my life, I was still cutting a lot. I would have to hide my cuts at school to lessen the bullying in my life. I did not really work, and it just got worse. My friend for a while had depression like me, always depressed. And me in him were really close. And one day, I was informed that he had taken his life. I was shocked, no words, no nothing.... It was like falling into darkness, a hole of sadness. And I cried , not just for him but for everything else. Every single thing that has happened in the last months and just let it all out.
Recently, I have discovered something. One day I was out in my backyard looking at the sky. Wondering and thinking if I should remove myself from the world. For me, just to escape it. But then I had flash backs, I remembered everything I have learned over the years, from my family, friends,youtubers, and online friends that taking your life wont fix anything! Why would you care about those people! Will they have any effect on you in 10 years no! I can do this! I can set an example for my self and follow my own path! I am a strong independent person!
I can do this
And that is when I reapplyied for MCGamer. Trying to ignore hose people that hate on me today. And talking to someone!! I have been clean on my wrists for a month and hoping to stay that way. The biggest reason I got over this was by talking to my mom and dad! They got me through it and I am so happy I never took my life.
For a word to those out there thinking about taking there life, it is not the answer! It won't fix anything, if you feel down talk to a friend, parent, or it could even be me! I am always free to talk to anyone any time! So tributes, I hope you learned a good lesson today. I know it was a lot of writing but in all was so important. Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day.
jtmboy
