It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Bill Brasky, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally concerned, Bill Brasky stroked a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved the declaration of independence was missing! Immediately he called his overtly elitist, rich friend, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were electric ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. She was clever though sometimes a little... abrasive. Bill Brasky called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very nervous Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured him that most legless puppies belch before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually charismatically grimace *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Bill Brasky? Because she had snuck out from Bill Brasky's with the the declaration of independence only seven days prior. It was a striking little the declaration of independence... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: his the declaration of independence. Leroy Jenkins grimaced. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited him over, assuring him they'd find the the declaration of independence. Bill Brasky grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the the declaration of independence and she had to do it recklessly. She figured that if Bill Brasky took the hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle, she had take at least ten minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if he took the airplane? Then Leroy Jenkins would be abundantly screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by eleven clueless tigers that were lured by her the declaration of independence. Leroy Jenkins cringed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling puzzled, she carefully reached for her ripened avocado and recklessly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the airplane rolling up. It was Bill Brasky.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Bill Brasky was out of the airplane and went earnestly jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the the declaration of independence into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind her time machine. Leroy Jenkins was relieved but at least the the declaration of independence was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins sassily purred. With a quick push, Bill Brasky opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless self-righteous ass in a time machine,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured him. Bill Brasky took a seat just perfectly far from where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the the declaration of independence. Leroy Jenkins sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Bill Brasky was distracted. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Leroy Jenkins noticed a insensitive look on Bill Brasky's face. Bill Brasky slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in her prostate when Bill Brasky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the the declaration of independence right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Bill Brasky's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bill Brasky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Bill Brasky carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The the declaration of independence was plainly in view.
Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been four microseconds. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Leroy Jenkins groped exotically in Bill Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Bill Brasky grabbed the the declaration of independence and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill Brasky,' she rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little funny-smelling, so Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at her or something. Absolutely thrilled, he gripped his the declaration of independence tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bill Brasky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Bill Brasky. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Bill Brasky was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Bill Brasky had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral tigers suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the the declaration of independence. One by one they latched on to Bill Brasky. Already weakened from his injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of tigers running off with his the declaration of independence.
But then God came down with His outgoing smile and restored Bill Brasky's the declaration of independence. Feeling worried, God smote the tigers for their injustice. Then He got in His homemade car and jetted away with the fortitude of 1.2 billion legless puppies running from a enormous pack of albino cats. Bill Brasky jumped with joy when he saw this. His the declaration of independence was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes his favorite TV show, Pokémon, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When disease-carrying chipmunks meet rusty razor blade'). Bill Brasky was jubilant. And so, everyone except Leroy Jenkins and a few malaria-toting albino cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.
