A Book. {Needs Feedback}

[TheGemProject]

Hello everyone. Gemini here. Over the past 3 days, I've been brainstorming and just started to write out a page and 1/2 of a book.

I got the idea of this book after reading an article about civilization on mars. I thought that would be a great setting for the book.

PLEASE COMMENT IF I MADE ANY TYPE OF GRAMMAR, SPELLING MISTAKES, OR ANYTHING ELSE BELOW! IT WILL HELP ME ALOT!

It seems like It didn't show up as the font I put it in, All well. Some parts were meant as someone else talking.

Well, Here it is.

A ringing in both of my ears . That’s all I can hear. That and the strange memory of a ship taking off, Taking many humans with it. I open my eyes, They squint at the bright light. Once they adjust, I see a glass shield retreat out of my vision. I then hear a pre-recorded voice.

Hello! This is a pre-recorded message from OrangeStar, The leading company with Cryonic Freeze Chambers!

You’re currently in the year 2246. In 2067, OrangeStar launched the first rocket to mars. Jackson Trout, Made it there. Then, in 2088, A Plague wiped out most of Germany. Humanity was in danger. OrangeStar agreed to launch over 50,000 Ships to Mars to colonize. 1 Man and Woman, Were chosen to stay behind in hopes of repopulation. The man and woman, Which are you two, will be released into the room to start the exercise portion of this wake-up call. At this time, Two tubes will be supplying materials into your body. Food, and Water.

3….2….1…

I felt something moist in my mouth, Then I felt my body get cold, Then warm.

Your body is now ready to be used. Please sit up slowly. Then, make your way to the door in front of your Cryonic Freeze Chamber.

Another layer of glass retracted up. I fell to the ground, My head pounding inside my skull. The other chamber was blinking red. I slowly stood up, My legs felt as if they were gaining strength. I staggered over to the other chamber. The blinking red light was obvious that she was either hurt, or dead.

To open the door, You two must press your buttons and hold it. The door will open, and you will be able to proceed to the surface.

I went into a panic, I ran to the button and held it down. Nothing happened. I hit the button down and went to the other button, hit it, Still nothing.

Checking Cryonic Chambers for any passed humans.

Human 2, Has passed.

Door Will Open in 3….2….1…

She’s dead… She’s DEAD! The door opened which lit 3 lights on either side of the walls. A 2 Person Elevator was at the end of the hall. I walked over to it, The door shut and we went up.

About 10 minutes passed before the elevator stopped. The door opened and I was knocked back by a cold wind that hit my body like sharp knives. I regained my balance, Then slowly walked out. There was a White object in the sky giving off light to the ground. I could see black spots on that White object here and there, But that was it. No movement, Nothing. I looked around, There was a tall, skinny, white building in the distance. It stood over 500 feet tall, I tried to remember anything I could about it or anything before I woke up just a few minutes ago, I felt nothing.

I managed to remember my name, Jackson. That’s all. I thought what I should do next, Hide? Run? Die? No. I must explore. Find food, Shelter, and water.

I looked around for anything that could serve as a use to me. The only thing was a small shiny canister with no lid. About 8 Inches deep of dirt, brownish blackish water. I took it into my arms, and started to head out towards the Monument.

Tell me what you think below!

 

[Joshuahannah16]

I Think That is Amazing Keep on Going I Would Buy it!!!

 

[DatPikachu]

Its beutifurr

 

[Gustav Mahikano]

Some common grammar mistakes you have include putting a capital letter on words that are after commas. It's 1:20AM in Australia so I probably won't read it (sorry!) but skimming through it, it looks cool =)

 

[Lively]

Oh, a story! You're in my territory now, buddy. One in-depth review headed your way, in short order.

A ringing in both of my ears . That’s all I can hear.

This sounds really awkward. Combine these to one sentence.

That and the strange memory of a ship taking off, Taking many humans with it.

"Taking" should not be capitalized. You don't capitalize after a comma.

Hello! This is a pre-recorded message from OrangeStar, The leading company with Cryonic Freeze Chambers!

First, put this in quotations. Something or someone is speaking. Again, don't capitalize after a comma. And last, unless it's a proper noun, "cryonic freeze chambers" shouldn't be capitalized.

Jackson Trout, Made it there.

Just a suggestion, explain who Trout is like so, "ChadTheDJ, the owner of the MCGamer network, owns a cat." Also, for Christ's sake, stop capitalizing after a comma.

Then, in 2088, A Plague wiped out most of Germany.

You really need to learn how capitalization works.

Then, in 2088, A Plague wiped out most of Germany. Humanity was in danger

Aside from the point above, a sickness killing the majority of people in one country is not necessarily a threat to Humanity. Granted, Germany is a larger country, but chances are it would be contained relatively quickly. Or, the sickness would leave the borders of the country and infect many other countries before Germany falls. In the second case, it would, in fact, be a threat to humanity. Now, if your story is using the second case, say so.

OrangeStar agreed to launch over 50,000 Ships to Mars to colonize
over 50,000 Ships to Mars to colonize
Ships
Ships

-_- Capitalize proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences, and nothing else. At this time, I will no longer comment on capitalization issues.

1 Man and Woman, Were chosen to stay behind in hopes of repopulation.

First, replace the number with the actual word. Second, drop the comma. It is unneeded. Third, it would sound better if you phrased it like this, "to stay behind in the hopes of repopulating.

The man and woman, Which are you two, will be released into the room to start the exercise portion of this wake-up call

"Which are you two" is really awkward. Also, you could probably find a better phrase than "wake-up call."

At this time, Two tubes will be supplying materials into your body. Food, and Water.

The fragment "Food and water" (notice how there is not a comma?) would fit much better when replacing the word materials.

I felt something moist in my mouth, Then I felt my body get cold, Then warm.

This is a common mistake for new writers. It's boring to the reader if you tell what happened. When I write, I write with the phrase "Show, don't tell" in mind. It's really boring if it's just "this happened, and then this happened, then this happened."

Your body is now ready to be used.

"Ready for use" would sound better.

Another layer of glass retracted up. I fell to the ground, My head pounding inside my skull.

Combine these sentences to make it flow better. Also, the word "up" is rather unnecessary.

Another layer of glass retracted up. I fell to the ground, My head pounding inside my skull. The other chamber was blinking red. I slowly stood up, My legs felt as if they were gaining strength. I staggered over to the other chamber. The blinking red light was obvious that she was either hurt, or dead.

Rule #1 for all writers. Describe. What does the room look like? What does the ground feel like? What is he wearing if anything? What does he look like?

The blinking red light was obvious that she was either hurt, or dead.

Is it now? I actually had no idea that this si what the light represented on my first read over. At minimum, try to explain why it was obvious.

I hit the button down and went to the other button, hit it, Still nothing.

Get rid of the word "down" and replace the last comma with a period.

Human 2, Has passed.

Unnecessary comma.

Door Will Open in 3….2….1…

That Is Not how Capitalization works. (Sorry, I know I said I wouldn't do it again, but I couldn't resist.)

The door opened which lit 3 lights on either side of the walls.

This sentence reads very awkwardly.

A 2 Person Elevator was at the end of the hall.

*A two-person...

The door shut and we went up.

Wait... Where did the "we" come from? Didn't the other lady/person die?

The door opened and I was knocked back by a cold wind that hit my body like sharp knives.

Writer's note: When I use similes like this one, I try to use verbs that are analogous to what it is being compared to. When I hear the word "knives," I don't think hit. I think cut or slice.

It stood over 500 feet tall,

This is a marvelous talent, that the guy can tell the height of something just by looking at it. I will talk about why this is wrong in a bit.

It stood over 500 feet tall, I tried to remember anything I could about it or anything before I woke up just a few minutes ago, I felt nothing.

Why did you put a comma after the word "tall?" That is a comma slice and is not proper grammar. Also, there is most likely a more appropriate word than "felt" in the last clause.

Hide?

From what?

Run?

Again, from what?

No. I must explore. Find food, Shelter, and water.

You said that there was nothing outside. If that's true, then how would he find food or water? I assume you meant that there was no life.

About 8 Inches deep of dirt, brownish blackish water.

What? I think you forgot a few words.

I took it into my arms, and started to head out towards the Monument.

The way you phrase this makes the "small canister" seem much bigger. Also, what is this "Monument." I assume it's the giant building, but I have no way to know without context clues.

Alright, time for my final summary. This is not a good piece of writing. It needs a lot of work, specifically proofreading for grammar. One of your biggest problems is the way you write the story. You're writing it in first person perspective; however, you're trying to include information from what would be a third person narration. If you're writing in first person, you can only include information from what the narrator knows and what he experiences or feels.

Sorry for the late-ish post. I forgot to post it on Friday.

 

[Claps]

snippity snip

As said above the capitalization is a big issue for you. He stopped commenting on it after a bit... but you should go over that. Aside from the way some sentences are formed, the grammar mistakes and the capitalization, the story is pretty good so far!

 

[Col_StaR]

As a bit of an author myself, I STRONGLY suggest your set up in a proper word-processing program instead of posting on a forum. Our system is good (and hypothetically literature is good no matter what medium it is), but your story will look more professional, and it's easier to write with functions such as grammar checking and spell check. I suggest you start a Wordsheet Google Document and share that, since it is all online, allows for instant updates, and leaving comments is possible.

I'll most likely be critiquing this further once I have more time on my hands. I have a ton of advice I'd love to share, but for now I can only encourage you to continue on.

 

[Nick]

Besides the occasional grammar and punctuation mistakes, you have a great foundation of literature . Keep going!

 

[TheGemProject]

Oh, a story! You're in my territory now, buddy. One in-depth review headed your way, in short order.


This sounds really awkward. Combine these to one sentence.



"Taking" should not be capitalized. You don't capitalize after a comma.



First, put this in quotations. Something or someone is speaking. Again, don't capitalize after a comma. And last, unless it's a proper noun, "cryonic freeze chambers" shouldn't be capitalized.



Just a suggestion, explain who Trout is like so, "ChadTheDJ, the owner of the MCGamer network, owns a cat." Also, for Christ's sake, stop capitalizing after a comma.



You really need to learn how capitalization works.



Aside from the point above, a sickness killing the majority of people in one country is not necessarily a threat to Humanity. Granted, Germany is a larger country, but chances are it would be contained relatively quickly. Or, the sickness would leave the borders of the country and infect many other countries before Germany falls. In the second case, it would, in fact, be a threat to humanity. Now, if your story is using the second case, say so.



-_- Capitalize proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences, and nothing else. At this time, I will no longer comment on capitalization issues.



First, replace the number with the actual word. Second, drop the comma. It is unneeded. Third, it would sound better if you phrased it like this, "to stay behind in the hopes of repopulating.



"Which are you two" is really awkward. Also, you could probably find a better phrase than "wake-up call."



The fragment "Food and water" (notice how there is not a comma?) would fit much better when replacing the word materials.



This is a common mistake for new writers. It's boring to the reader if you tell what happened. When I write, I write with the phrase "Show, don't tell" in mind. It's really boring if it's just "this happened, and then this happened, then this happened."



"Ready for use" would sound better.



Combine these sentences to make it flow better. Also, the word "up" is rather unnecessary.



Rule #1 for all writers. Describe. What does the room look like? What does the ground feel like? What is he wearing if anything? What does he look like?



Is it now? I actually had no idea that this si what the light represented on my first read over. At minimum, try to explain why it was obvious.



Get rid of the word "down" and replace the last comma with a period.



Unnecessary comma.



That Is Not how Capitalization works. (Sorry, I know I said I wouldn't do it again, but I couldn't resist.)



This sentence reads very awkwardly.



*A two-person...



Wait... Where did the "we" come from? Didn't the other lady/person die?



Writer's note: When I use similes like this one, I try to use verbs that are analogous to what it is being compared to. When I hear the word "knives," I don't think hit. I think cut or slice.



This is a marvelous talent, that the guy can tell the height of something just by looking at it. I will talk about why this is wrong in a bit.



Why did you put a comma after the word "tall?" That is a comma slice and is not proper grammar. Also, there is most likely a more appropriate word than "felt" in the last clause.



From what?



Again, from what?



You said that there was nothing outside. If that's true, then how would he find food or water? I assume you meant that there was no life.



What? I think you forgot a few words.



The way you phrase this makes the "small canister" seem much bigger. Also, what is this "Monument." I assume it's the giant building, but I have no way to know without context clues.

Alright, time for my final summary. This is not a good piece of writing. It needs a lot of work, specifically proofreading for grammar. One of your biggest problems is the way you write the story. You're writing it in first person perspective; however, you're trying to include information from what would be a third person narration. If you're writing in first person, you can only include information from what the narrator knows and what he experiences or feels.

Sorry for the late-ish post. I forgot to post it on Friday.

Loved that! Thank you for the feedback. I'll be working on the story ALOT tonight.

As a bit of an author myself, I STRONGLY suggest your set up in a proper word-processing program instead of posting on a forum. Our system is good (and hypothetically literature is good no matter what medium it is), but your story will look more professional, and it's easier to write with functions such as grammar checking and spell check. I suggest you start a Wordsheet Google Document and share that, since it is all online, allows for instant updates, and leaving comments is possible.

I'll most likely be critiquing this further once I have more time on my hands. I have a ton of advice I'd love to share, but for now I can only encourage you to continue on.

Okay. You can even private message me if you'd like to as well.

 

[Ender_Harold]

I liek it.