Wagtail
Diamond
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2013
- Messages
- 535
- Reaction score
- 733
It all started when our hyphen-happy chair, Wagtail, woke up in a bush. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly pleased, Wagtail poked a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved spoon was missing! Immediately he called his friend, ChadTheDJ. Wagtail had known ChadTheDJ for one million years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. ChadTheDJ was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... oafish. Wagtail called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
ChadTheDJ picked up to a very happy Wagtail. ChadTheDJ calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths panic before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually earnestly sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Wagtail. Why was ChadTheDJ trying to distract Wagtail? Because he had snuck out from Wagtail's with the spoon only six days prior. It was a exotic little spoon... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Wagtail got back to the subject at hand: his spoon. ChadTheDJ turned red. Relunctantly, ChadTheDJ invited him over, assuring him they'd find the spoon. Wagtail grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, ChadTheDJ realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the spoon and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Wagtail took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least six minutes before Wagtail would get there. But if he took the meatball? Then ChadTheDJ would be ridiculously screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, ChadTheDJ was interrupted by nine clueless hedgehogs that were lured by his spoon. ChadTheDJ grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling concerned, he carefully reached for his carrot and thoughtfully backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the meatball rolling up. It was Wagtail.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Wagtail was out of the meatball and went exotically jaunting toward ChadTheDJ's front door. Meanwhile inside, ChadTheDJ was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the spoon into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his hammock. ChadTheDJ was frustrated but at least the spoon was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' ChadTheDJ wildly purred. With a hasty push, Wagtail opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish social outcast in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' he lied. 'It's fine,' ChadTheDJ assured him. Wagtail took a seat hilariously close to where ChadTheDJ had hidden the spoon. ChadTheDJ belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Wagtail was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, ChadTheDJ noticed a insensitive look on Wagtail's face. Wagtail slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
ChadTheDJ felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Wagtail asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the spoon right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Wagtail's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Wagtail nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before ChadTheDJ could react, Wagtail aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The spoon was plainly in view.
Wagtail stared at ChadTheDJ for what what must've been seven seconds. Before anyone could take off their pants, ChadTheDJ groped exotically in Wagtail's direction, clearly desperate. Wagtail grabbed the spoon and bolted for the door. It was locked. ChadTheDJ let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Wagtail,' he rebuked. ChadTheDJ always had been a little abrasive, so Wagtail knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before ChadTheDJ did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at him or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he gripped his spoon tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
ChadTheDJ looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Wagtail. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Wagtail. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. ChadTheDJ walked over to the window and looked down. Wagtail was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Wagtail was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind ChadTheDJ's place. Wagtail had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral hedgehogs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the spoon. One by one they latched on to Wagtail. Already weakened from his injury, Wagtail yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of hedgehogs running off with his spoon.
About three hours later, Wagtail awoke, his kidney throbbing. It was dark and Wagtail did not know where he was. Deep in the enchanting magical cornfield, Wagtail was abnormally lost. Ever so extemperaneously, he remembered that his spoon was taken by the hedgehogs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a misshapen hedgehog emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha hedgehog. Wagtail opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the hedgehog sunk its teeth into Wagtail's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Wagtail's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than six miles away, ChadTheDJ was entombed by anguish over the loss of the spoon. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Wagtail... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the spoon that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant hedgehogs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
ChadTheDJ picked up to a very happy Wagtail. ChadTheDJ calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths panic before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually earnestly sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Wagtail. Why was ChadTheDJ trying to distract Wagtail? Because he had snuck out from Wagtail's with the spoon only six days prior. It was a exotic little spoon... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Wagtail got back to the subject at hand: his spoon. ChadTheDJ turned red. Relunctantly, ChadTheDJ invited him over, assuring him they'd find the spoon. Wagtail grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, ChadTheDJ realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the spoon and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Wagtail took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least six minutes before Wagtail would get there. But if he took the meatball? Then ChadTheDJ would be ridiculously screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, ChadTheDJ was interrupted by nine clueless hedgehogs that were lured by his spoon. ChadTheDJ grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling concerned, he carefully reached for his carrot and thoughtfully backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the meatball rolling up. It was Wagtail.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Wagtail was out of the meatball and went exotically jaunting toward ChadTheDJ's front door. Meanwhile inside, ChadTheDJ was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the spoon into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his hammock. ChadTheDJ was frustrated but at least the spoon was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' ChadTheDJ wildly purred. With a hasty push, Wagtail opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish social outcast in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' he lied. 'It's fine,' ChadTheDJ assured him. Wagtail took a seat hilariously close to where ChadTheDJ had hidden the spoon. ChadTheDJ belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Wagtail was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, ChadTheDJ noticed a insensitive look on Wagtail's face. Wagtail slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
ChadTheDJ felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Wagtail asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the spoon right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Wagtail's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Wagtail nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before ChadTheDJ could react, Wagtail aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The spoon was plainly in view.
Wagtail stared at ChadTheDJ for what what must've been seven seconds. Before anyone could take off their pants, ChadTheDJ groped exotically in Wagtail's direction, clearly desperate. Wagtail grabbed the spoon and bolted for the door. It was locked. ChadTheDJ let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Wagtail,' he rebuked. ChadTheDJ always had been a little abrasive, so Wagtail knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before ChadTheDJ did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at him or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he gripped his spoon tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
ChadTheDJ looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Wagtail. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Wagtail. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. ChadTheDJ walked over to the window and looked down. Wagtail was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Wagtail was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind ChadTheDJ's place. Wagtail had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral hedgehogs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the spoon. One by one they latched on to Wagtail. Already weakened from his injury, Wagtail yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of hedgehogs running off with his spoon.
About three hours later, Wagtail awoke, his kidney throbbing. It was dark and Wagtail did not know where he was. Deep in the enchanting magical cornfield, Wagtail was abnormally lost. Ever so extemperaneously, he remembered that his spoon was taken by the hedgehogs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a misshapen hedgehog emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha hedgehog. Wagtail opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the hedgehog sunk its teeth into Wagtail's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Wagtail's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than six miles away, ChadTheDJ was entombed by anguish over the loss of the spoon. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Wagtail... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the spoon that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant hedgehogs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
