Desino Arma - Need Advice

[ShaunDepro]

Desino Arma​

Prologue:

--Original--

Spoiler

"The shadowy figure descended beneath the gloomy clouds, until it was not hovering any more than a few feet from the ground. It floated there motionless, until it dropped to the ground in a stomp. The impact threw me backwards onto the ground and I realised that I had been crippled when attempting to stand up. There was a high pitched scream then suddenly everything fell inaudible, the storm faded away but the sky was left pitch black. The figure moved closer towards the elder survivors, including myself. Its limbs untangled revealing three large heads with white eyes. They turned separately in different directions, the middle head turning at my direction. A projectile of some sort of dark energy was hurled out towards me, instinctively my warping went into action and teleported me away – but the projectile changed course towards me. At first I thought it was a new type of technology but it actually seemed like it had a mind of its own, either way I was to be destroyed. The Ender race was massacred and the remaining is about to be diminished, it was the end. My body was ripped apart by the explosion and all sense of feeling was gone…

…and then the rain fell."

--Revised--

Spoiler

"The shadowy figure descended beneath the clouds, until it was hovering no more than a few feet from the ground. It floated there motionless, until it dropped to the ground with a stomp. The impact threw me onto the ground, crippling me. There was a high pitched scream then suddenly everything fell silent, the storm faded away but the sky was left completely black. The figure moved closer towards the elder survivors, including myself. Its limbs untangled revealing three large heads with blinding white eyes. They turned separately in different directions, the middle head turning in my direction. A projectile formed of some kind of dark energy was hurled out towards me. Instinctively my warping went into action and teleported me a few metres away – but the projectile changed course towards me. At first I thought it was a new type of technology, but it actually seemed like it had a mind of its own -either way I was to be destroyed. The Ender race was massacred, and the remaining is about to be diminished; it was the end. My body was ripped apart by the explosion and all sense of feeling was gone…

…and then the rain fell."

Is it alright so far? I struggle to find problems whilst proof reading until someone else spots it out for me. :3

 

[Zeno]

Ah this makes me want to get back into writing.....

Anyways, this is pretty good, but there are a few suggestions I would make.

1. You seem to use more adjectives then is really necessary, and that tends to bog the reader down. I would suggest, as a general rule, to only use one adjective per sentence, though more is acceptable if you are attempting to stress a connection between the two nouns the adjectives are modifying.

2. Don't use italics. Just don't. You will be a much stronger writer if you develop the ability to write in a manner where italics are implied without you having to explicitly telling a reader how they should read.

3. A few of the sentences have a slightly awkward construction that cold be tweaked for easier reading. E.g. Until it was not hovering any more than...could be rewritten as 'Until it was hovering no more than'. The writing as a whole is pretty solid, but you should attempt to go through and make sure words and ideas flow together smoothly. This could involve changing around your articles and verbs slightly to make a smoother overall reading experience.

4. Rather a lot of grammar errors, missing commas, needed semicolons, etc., but those aren't very important until you get to an editing stage.

5. Don't use the same word in a sentence twice please (pitch). Even if you are using different meanings of the word, when it is being read it causes it to sound rather awkward.

Have a few more things I would like to say, but I think they can be inferred just by expanding on these 5 tips. Overall the writing is very solid, and the story behind the piece seems like it will turn out great. So good work, Shaun, and I wish you luck with the rest of the story.

 

[ShaunDepro]

Thanks Zeno, I've edited the first post improving the original.

 

[Zeno]

Thanks Zeno, I've edited the first post improving the original.

Definitely an improvement! Now I'm starting to think going through and fixing the grammatical errors (especially with commas) might be a useful step, as it's detracting a bit from my enjoyment of the story as a whole.

Also, there are a few words/phrases that are just really bugging me and, in my opinion should be fixed.
1. Everything fell inaudible --> All sound stopped
2. Dropped to the ground in a stomp --> Dropped to the ground with a stomp (maybe smash?)
3. At my direction --> In my direction
4. A projectile of some sort of dark energy --> A projectile formed of some kind of dark energy

Some pretty nice edits though, and I'm still loving that last line!

 

[ShaunDepro]

Definitely an improvement! Now I'm starting to think going through and fixing the grammatical errors (especially with commas) might be a useful step, as it's detracting a bit from my enjoyment of the story as a whole.

Also, there are a few words/phrases that are just really bugging me and, in my opinion should be fixed.
1. Everything fell inaudible --> All sound stopped
2. Dropped to the ground in a stomp --> Dropped to the ground with a stomp (maybe smash?)
3. At my direction --> In my direction
4. A projectile of some sort of dark energy --> A projectile formed of some kind of dark energy

Some pretty nice edits though, and I'm still loving that last line!

Modified it a bit, but for the second suggestion I'll keep it as stomp, maybe it's just me but it fits in well with the idea I had in my head.

 

[Billa]

Damn Zeno has some good tips.

 

[Zeno]

Damn Zeno has some good tips.

Dat published author status, yo

Edit: Read Version 3, and it's a huge improvement over the last two! Great work!

 

[ShaunDepro]

Edited some more. I think I'm pretty done much with the prologue, at least for now.. :3