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Writing a Story, Want Criticism!

KorStonesword

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Yeah, I'm going to come back to this section and expanding it, it felt a little rushed when I wrote it.

This hurts a lot to read, but it's actually very helpful. I just want you to know I'm writing in an odd way because a few reasons:

1): I'm doing this book purely for fun. I enjoy writing, and while I've started several books, I've never finished writing one. I want to legitimately see a story through from start to finish.

2): I'm writing this as my mind moves. Think of this more as a rough outline of the story. Once this 'version' is finished, I'm going to take into account all these criticisms I've received (thank you!) and adjust/lengthen it till I'm satisfied with it on a whole. I have been thinking a lot more about where I want to the story to go, though I'm still not completely certain.

With Matthew what I was trying to portray through these extensive sentences (and which will be expanded upon in the further pages to come) is that he really is not a very like-able character. I also plan to expand the entire earthquake sequence into more detail. I started writing in a much faster-paced short story style, but I've started slowing myself down and going into more detail. I'm going to be saving all the replies I get into a document so I can review them when I'm going back to edit the story, but don't expect instantaneous changes, though it may affect the way the writing alters (though probably not quickly, as I write sporadically and usually in spurts of several pages at a time).

And yes, I know this is a terribly sloppy way to write a book. After this I will try to be more planned and meticulous in my writing, but for this book I just wanted to do it, if that makes any sense. I've had countless projects I've planned and planned and planned on, but they've never actually happened, so I had this idea and just wanted to roll with it quickly.

Moo strikes again! Yeah, that was a stupid mistake. >.>
 

KorStonesword

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I present: Page 3! I may increase the number of pages per day, as I've written up to page 6 at the moment, and I usually write about 1-3 pages a day, but I've been busy. I'm just going get ahead a bit more, and maybe by the time I've written up to page 20 I'll start releasing multiple pages a day.

Matthew lived on the other side of the town. He had taken an extra long trip because the newest model of Ax3 was only being carried in select stores. For a second his heart skipped a beat and he stuck his hand in his pocket. As he ran his hands over the uneven square rectangle of a computer chip, he relaxed a little and reached into his other pocket for his wallet. Pulling it out, he payed for the train ride, and sat back in the seat. Around him were people of similarly terrible appearances, but on the unkempt train it actually made them quite fitting. He read the advertisements across him in his boredom, and swore to himself never to forget his phone again. The advertisement across him to his left read “Astentine’s Grill! We have the best burgers you’ve ever eaten!” accompanied by a picture of a pudgy old man flipping burgers on the grill wearing a chef’s hat, behind which was a soothing red gradient and the name of the restaurant.


If they had the best burgers you’ve eaten, he pondered smartly, then you’ve eaten there already, so why advertise? He gazed to the next advertisement and read the first word “Insurance-” He closed his eyes. Nothing was as boring as reading advertisements for insurance. The train halted to a stop after a few minutes of dark silence, accompanied by nothing but the trains steady shaking, and Matthew’s ears perked up as he heard his stop called. He rushed out, accompanied by a few others, and watched as the metal machine ran off, howling as it left. Matthew walked off, heading towards his house and doing his very best to drag his feet along the way. He made a careful inspection of the ground beneath him, and pulled his cap down as far as he could. As he did the necessary job of counting the sidewalk tiles, he gazed over to the convenience store beside him. Gripping his wallet, he figured he may as well reward himself for doing such a good job of keep himself alive. The doors parted, ever impartial, and he walked down the aisles, looking for nothing in particular. He knew he wanted something salty. He figured it was probably because of all the sweating he’d done. Feeling the second wave of exhaustion come over him, he snatched a Red Bull from the refrigerator section, and walked over to the snack aisle. The doors opened and shut in the distance, and he heard a faint “Welcome!”


Grabbing an unnecessarily large bag of BBQ chips for one person, he made his way over to the register, stepping on the rug beneath him. Did the rug care that he stepped on it? Well it wasn’t alive, so that was a silly question. Maybe whatever was used to make this rug cared, but it’s long gone now. Sometimes Matthew had stupid thoughts like these. He did his best to ignore them, every time he listened to them his head hurt, and he ended up doing something dumb.


“That’ll be 6.59” a painfully cheerful voice resonated. Matthew looked up to the lady, who looked to be about his age, and mumbled a short acceptance and opened his wallet. As he handed her the money, he said, bluntly, “You’re new here aren’t you?”


Matthew registered the look of surprise on her face and mentally patted himself on the back for his ever-so-keen observational skills. Nobody working in a dump like this could be happy for long. She meekly handed him his change, and he walked out, bag in hand.

[edit]: Looking at it now, I see I should expand upon exactly how the store is a 'dump'
 

BitoBain

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The story seems interesting, but writing a story takes a lot of maturity and knowledge about human psychology. If you really want to write a story just for the heck of it, then go ahead. As Lively stated, there are a lot of things about foreshadowing, pace, grammar, etc... that you would need to look into if you wanted this to be something others really enjoy. I'm assuming you're a teenager, but teenagers don't typically write books. Teenagers are too usually too immature, impulsive, and selfish to communicate a story in a manner that anyone will really enjoy. Teenagers are often cocky and quick to judge, and may neglect researching something that really needs to be researched. Indeed, young people often feel they have great plots written out in their minds, but when it comes time to plan everything out and pace things correctly, the story gets very choppy, unreadable, random, and confusing. Even great writers need editors, though, so it's not like adults are perfect.

I'm not trying to discourage you, just warning you of some of the pitfalls you may run into. To quote Henry Ford again, "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." There have been a few teenagers that have written successful books, but being able to successfully communicate yourself through writing often involves going through a lot of crap associated with growing up. The paradigm shift that occurs at age 23 for men is mainly what I am talking about.

If you just write at a breakneck speed with little planning, then the vast mental growth you are experiencing in your teenage years will quickly outpace your writing. Within a few months, you may look back at this and find it silly. If you don't believe me, go back and look at your first few forum posts.

Edit: That being said, I realize that teenagers do have one particular aspect that makes them better writers: creativity. It has been proven that children and young people are the most creative type of people. They may make plots that are very interesting and thought provoking; they just lack in pretty much everything else. Good luck.
 

KorStonesword

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The story seems interesting, but writing a story takes a lot of maturity and knowledge about human psychology. If you really want to write a story just for the heck of it, then go ahead. As Lively stated, there are a lot of things about foreshadowing, pace, grammar, etc... that you would need to look into if you wanted this to be something others really enjoy. I'm assuming you're a teenager, but teenagers don't typically write books. Teenagers are too usually too immature, impulsive, and selfish to communicate a story in a manner that anyone will really enjoy. Teenagers are often cocky and quick to judge, and may neglect researching something that really needs to be researched. Indeed, young people often feel they have great plots written out in their minds, but when it comes time to plan everything out and pace things correctly, the story gets very choppy, unreadable, random, and confusing. Even great writers need editors, though, so it's not like adults are perfect.

I'm not trying to discourage you, just warning you of some of the pitfalls you may run into. To quote Henry Ford again, "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." There have been a few teenagers that have written successful books, but being able to successfully communicate yourself through writing often involves going through a lot of crap associated with growing up. The paradigm shift that occurs at age 23 for men is mainly what I am talking about.

If you just write at a breakneck speed with little planning, then the vast mental growth you are experiencing in your teenage years will quickly outpace your writing. Within a few months, you may look back at this and find it silly. If you don't believe me, go back and look at your first few forum posts.

Edit: That being said, I realize that teenagers do have one particular aspect that makes them better writers: creativity. It has been proven that children and young people are the most creative type of people. They may make plots that are very interesting and thought provoking; they just lack in pretty much everything else. Good luck.
I know this is true, (I'm 15) and I know I have much to develop mentally. But I don't want age or development to hinder my creativity, or stop myself from having fun. I'm not just going to be someone who does nothing as a kid but play video games and watch TV. Looking back on my older YouTube videos, and even a book I started when I was about 11, sure it's cheesy and silly, but you know what? I'm still proud of it. It just serves to further show how much I've grown as a person, a milestone if you will. I am heavily lacking in experience, but that was a large reason I chose to have the main character be a similarly aged individual, to ease the process of writing him. I also myself just as a person do my best to stifle my emotions of impulsiveness and selfishness, though that's not always successful. I am always trying to broaden my range of thought, look at things from the other person's side, and not be so close-minded. Of course my teenager self often takes over, but still I do my best.

I don't plan on this being a bestseller, and I don't think that's something you should do even as an adult. If you look to these hundreds of vastly successful YouTubers that range anywhere from 15-20+, they always say the same thing "We started it for fun" and "Do it for fun, if you want the subscribers and the money, it's not going to happen." I'm going to have my goddang fun writing this crappy book, and I'm going to finish it! I've always had a problem with motivation, and seeing things through, so I want to use writing this book as an opportunity to develop skills. Skills in writing, grammar, planning, and determination. I spent about 2 hours just thinking about the direction I wanted the story to go in, and now I have the idea of how I want it to end, the character that's going to be introduced, and how the story is going to flow. This may result in some earlier parts having odd moments, but that's the whole point of this being a rough draft, of which I'm going to heavily rework at least twice, if not 3+ times. My mom is also very adept in all things literature-related, so I'm going to have her be my 'editor' if it were, once this rough draft is complete.

As a reward for reading this silly book of mine, here's the first chapter of this ridiculous book about Aliens (It's actually titled 'Aliens'...) I started in 2010 (and edited a little in 2012 to be 'darker'. Basically I added some slightly more violent fights and made them say 'crap' :p).

Part One: The Russian base
Chapter One: The Plan
“No! No! And no again!” said the general. “You must stop this war amongst each other over what to do with the aliens” says Ben “you must be prepared for the aliens!” Jon agreed “do you want there to be another world war!?!?”
“Hah” laughed the general “I don’t even believe in aliens. I think it’s all faked” Jon frowned since this is an insult to him. He was an alien himself but was sent to earth with Ben just before his happy home on the planet of X3xX4 was wiped out by the plague. Jon also knew other aliens were coming but these were hostile.
“Humans will never listen” Ben thought. “Besides” said the general (his real name being Murice he preferred to be called general) “as I told you there is no stopping world war IV”
That night they left for they’re apartment having achieved nothing.
Then they decided to save the human race whether they liked it or not since they were sure to thank them later. And besides their parents would’ve said to do the right thing. They now had devised a plan, the plan was they would need to achieve three pieces of alien technology that had ended up on earth. With these, they would build a ship to get to the aliens and stop them.
They’re first destination was area 177A section 2. This was a secret base known about by few and heavily armed. They packed up for the trip, they packed food, water, clothes, and of course a couple of weapons. In the weapons pack was 4 tear gas bombs, 2 paintball guns,(Jon who was the oldest was only 17 and you have to be 18 to own a gun, besides they had no intention of harming the humans) 2 baseball bats, and 1 strange gun they created that would shoot the stickiest stuff you could imagine. We are talking about being stuck for an entire 24 hours then it would stop. you just have to sit and wait for it to wear off.
“Were crazy” said Ben as they set off “probably, but there’s no turning back now” said Jon. Ben agreed and they rode off.
 

KorStonesword

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Forums were broken for me for a little while but they're working again. Here's Page 4.

Woosh. The impartial doors opened and closed once again on command, and Matthew subtly nodded his head in appreciation. He walked out swinging his bag up and down, jumping forward with the momentum, when he made it out of the parking lot, he reached into the bag and consumed the drink and chips while he walked. At first he tried to savor the flavor of each chip, but that soon grew tiresome and he began eating large handfuls at a time. When he reached home, the bag was long empty, and he was in the middle of trying to remove the final crumbs. The drink was long consumed and disposed of in whichever trash bin he had happened to be next to. The buzz of energy starting set in, he began to feel a lot more aware.


He quietly opened to door using the house key on his wallet chain, and tiptoed into the dimly lit room. He gazed over to the television softly mumbling whatever news there was, and saw his father sitting on the couch, a half-empty beer in hand


Matthew’s parents were not the best, as far as parents go. His father was Ezekiel Forestor. Ezekiel was a tall man with a large build, one whom you instantly felt inferior to when you met, and someone born with the inherent instinct to lead. He owned the lucrative business Forzek, which specialized in scientific research, discovery, and marketing. He’d built it from the ground up, using his vast knowledge of science and business, with a fair amount of sheer will as well. His parents had been overprotective and his father was a drunkard, so he ran away from home when he was only 15 and found a part time job and he began planning. He founded the company when he reached the age of 19, and it began to stabilize and reap a profit by the time he was 22. When looking for an assistant, he hired the shy yet brilliant Lydia Personns, and instantly fell head over heels for her. They were married a year later, and Matthew was born a little under a year after that.


Lydia Personns was incredibly shy. She was also incredibly attractive, but took no interest in men, and preferred to spend her time reading, despite having many friends. Her parents always tried to encourage her to socialize, but they were fairly meek as well, and didn’t have the heart to force her to do anything. She studied science, and applied for a job at a small company called Forzek. There she met a smart, strong man, one whom you wouldn’t be able to say no to if you tried, and fell head over heels for him.


Ezekiel spent most of his time working, and the rest he spent with his wife. Because of his harsh parents, whom he’d long ago sworn never to emulate, he rarely disciplined or tried to stop Matthew from doing anything, and gave him an allowance most would consider ludicrous. Lydia was far too meek to discipline him, and spent most of her time wandering the house, cleaning and studying and reading the news, worrying about things she had no control over, while ignoring the one thing she did.


From this upbringing, Matthew grew up rather spoiled, and had trouble making friends, though he could not figure out why. People were aware of his father, so he was rarely picked on, despite his being nerdy and a little on the pudgy side. He was the boy who was feared, hated, and avoided all at once. Feared because his father was powerful, strong, and scary. Hated because of his privileged life. Avoided because he was annoying, spoiled, and needy. If you want something very badly, the nature of all things will naturally not want you to have it, and will in fact be further repelled, whereas if you don’t want something, you tend to get it. Matthew never asked for money or things, the only reason he bought the advanced technology was because he was bored, and hoped it would attract attention to himself. What he wanted, more than anything, was friends.
 

Captain Dory

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I enjoyed reading this. I didn't really understand what this is leading onto however.
 

KorStonesword

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Forgot to post here yesterday, so here's two pages:


Matthew tapped his dad lightly on the shoulder, mumbling a quiet hello. Ezekiel turned around with a slightly delayed start “Oh thank God. Matthew, where the heck have you been?”


“Around...there was an earthquake...or something. I thought we didn’t get those here?” He spoke in reply. “Earthquake, that’s a good one. Weren’t you paying attention? It’s on all the stations.” Ezekiel bellowed a laugh in his deep, resonating voice, and turned the volume on the TV up to half.


The news lady spoke in a polite, but direct voice, with a rather bored look in her eyes. “We are currently waiting for an official response from the government of United States on this event. Stay tuned for more information on the mysterious bombing.”


“B...bombing?” Matthew stammered.


His father patted him on the back a little too hard and spoke. “That’s right, or at least that’s what they called it. Nobodies’ got a name for what happened. This massive purple disk, thin as paper, flies over the town and a beam of white light shoots down. Next thing they know, the Earth is crumbling to pieces, quick as that. The crazy channels are saying it’s aliens, and while that’d sure be grand, I suppose it’s some new experimental device for use in war. Look here, they keep playing the footage on repeat” Ezekiel half pointed to the television.


Just as Matthew’s dad has said, an odd purple disk, that’s thickness seemed imperceivable, dashed over the town, shot down a silent beam of white light and dissipated. Five seconds later, the ground beneath in a 100 meter radius began to act like a frenzied swarm of ants, moving left and right, no goal in mind, and the cracks began reverberating outwards. He figured that it was a good thing he wasn’t in the middle of that.


“So far there have been 14 casualties, with 24 reported as dead or missing.” The news lady announced. Better them than me he thought, and hated himself a little for it.


Lydia stood in the hallway, quietly examining Matthew. “Welcome back.” she muttered softly. Despite their behavior, both parents loved Matthew more than he knew, as tends to be the case. She suddenly felt the massive urge to envelope Matthew in a hug, but her fear that he’d push her away stopped her, though her heart begged for it.


Matthew was ignorant to his mother’s silent plea, and brushed past her to his room. He stumbled lazily in, and collapsed onto the bed and examined his many posters of famous actors and superheroes. Matthew had always wanted to be a superhero, but the kind who were famous without asking, and defeated every villain in the end without sacrifice. He drifted off into sleep without even realizing it, and Lydia softly wandered in, drawing the covers and planting a hesitant kiss on his forehead.


Matthew gazed around and saw before him was a candyland straight from Willy Wonka. Ice cream hills sat in the distance, and he was about to step forward when a decapitated head with cupid’s wings flew down from the sky, chuckling and still very full of life. “Eurlze! Eurlze!” It chanted mockingly, flying circles around him. “Eurlze! Eurlze!”


For some reason this seemed perfectly natural. Matthew tried to reach out to it, but he couldn’t move. He looked down and saw he was sinking into a pool of honey.


“Eurlze! Eurlze! Eurlze! Eurlze!”


That creature was really starting to get on his nerves. With every fiber of his being, Matthew wished that the detestable creature was dead, and rather unsurprisingly, it fell down dead before him. It flopped like a worm cut in two.


““Eurlze…”


Matthew looked down, and the honey was gone. He was no longer in candyland. Now he was in a spaceship. He looked around, but nothing made sense. Everything looked upside down and inside out and backwards while forwards, and everyone kept talking to him in a voice that he didn’t know but knew he must. The voices grew louder, but Matthew realized he no longer had a body. He screamed and screamed, but no voice came out. He felt like he was fading from existence and desperately tried to move, but it was all in vain. He felt himself fading away, becoming nothing more than a soft mumble in a universe of screams. “I don’t want to die!” He moved his nonexistent lips that he knew must still be there.


Matthew opened his eyes. His heart was beating and he was drenched in sweat. He rose quickly, throwing away the comforter and put his hand over his chest until it slowed to a steady rise and fall. “Good.” Matthew said to himself. “Just a dream.” He gazed over to the clock on his desk. It read 4 AM. Even more exhausted than he had been earlier, Matthew collapsed back onto the bed and gave in once more to sleep.


At that moment Ezekiel was having exactly the same dream, and so was Lydia, albeit their reactions were rather different. Ezekiel never faded. He stood there strongly, sinking into the honey as if that were what he was destined to do, and woke up mildly disturbed, never having encountered the headless beast. Lydia’s dream was closer to that of Matthew’s, but she skipped the candyland altogether, and just stood there quietly, hearing voices and fading away while nobody seemed to notice. They all talked amongst themselves, and she didn’t have the courage to try and disrupt their conversation.


Everyone awoke to a cloudy gray morning, mumbled soft greetings to each other, and ate their breakfast in silence.
 

KorStonesword

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This section of the story is rougher than the rest, I plan to embellish it a bit more later on.

Dante had an agenda to meet. His name wasn’t even Dante, and his real name wouldn’t be possible to write down on paper or even pronounce for a human being. They had no name for themselves, but they were commonly called the Exfer by others. The Exfer had the ability to shapeshift, though they rarely used it, and generally retained the form of a large insectoid with a copper shell that stood upright on four legs and hunched over. They were the two hundred and fifteenth member of the Universal Alliance. It was an alliance for the sake of maintaining peace and trade as far as their reach through the Universe spread, and the Exfer hated it. Technology had progressed to the point where there was no longer an easy way to kill one another. For every weapon of mass destruction, there was an equally powerful shield for it, and any self respecting civilization that had advanced to the point of contact with the Universal Alliance had already discovered this. That was the very reason for it’s founding. If you can’t make war, then you must make peace.


The Exfer were a race of war-loving, power-hungry, psychopaths. They had barely managed to stop warring among themselves before bringing their planet to complete ruin, and their only uniting factor was the want to control. Having used up much of the natural resources, their race was on the brink of extinction, and they joined the Universal Alliance out of a last ditch effort to survive and prolong the fight. Now being open to use the trade routes, they bought food and supplies and quietly returned to their planet. They were a fairly small race, numbering about 40 billion. In comparison to the massive founders of the Universal Alliance, who numbered easily into the trillions. This was largely due to their lack of the female sex. One female could birth about 100 children, but the numbers of them were gradually declining because the Exfer disliked creatures who could not work or fight, even their own.


One day, while digging in the mines on their planet in search of goods to use in trade, a young Exfer child found a gem-shaped hexagon encrusted in rock that gave off a faint purple glow. In his excitement, he accidentally smashed it with his pick, and the explosion of energy killed him instantaneously, and destroyed a fair amount of the area around him. The ruckus this stirred up was enough to get the uncaring dictatorship to look into it, and here they discovered a gold mine of energy. These purple-ish rocks could be harvested for raw energy, the likes of which was stronger than any other they knew of. Thrilled with their discovery, they spent decades working in secret, harvesting this energy, and sending scout ships outwards in search of the resource on small and uncharted planets. In the process they wiped out several species to extinction before most had even developed to the point where they could understand what was happening.
 

KorStonesword

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As I mentioned before, the thread will become obsolete if I end up having to triple post and I'll move further pages over to a website on wordpress. Well here's the site: http://writtenandwriting.wordpress.com/

All future updates to the book will be there, I will no longer bump this thread.
 

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