I'd like to apologise for my absence as of late. The truth behind it is. Nick kidnapped me and smuggled me aboard a shipping container to The North East West side of Indonesia. While there I was forced to make shoelaces for minimal wage. About 2 weeks ago I managed to create a raft out of Air Jordan's and floated back to Australia. After landing in the northern territory I made the long walk to Nick's house in some quite comfortable shoes. Once arriving at his house, Nick then slugged me on the back of the head with a shovel and kept me in his basement. At this point; my life was a living hell, Nick did horrible things to me and reenacted Shrek is Love on me. Approximately a week ago, I managed to escape when Nick came to give me food, I overpowered him, tied him up and knocked him out. At this point I found out that Nick is part of a Biker Gang called the The Putting Puftas. I then grabbed the phone and called the best interrogators in all of Australia, Kaine and Gustav. These killer duo came and extracted info as to why Nick had kidnapped me in the first place and after 2 long days Nick finally told them that I was kidnapped because I had disrespected Nick's Grandfathers Uncle's Cousins' Best Friends Roommate who had a short relationship with a cab driver's 2nd cousin. This 2nd cousin then accidentally tripped a man who then went on to be a father whose son then had a friend I stole the last box of Fruit Loops from at the cereal aisle in the Supermarket from him while he wasn't looking.
Moral of the story: Never steal another mans Fruit Loops.
