Writing a Story, Want Criticism!

[KorStonesword]

So I started writing a book on a whim yesterday, and I'm actually starting to get into it. I want to get some constructive criticism to improve it though, so I plan on posting here perhaps once a day with a new page to see people's thoughts. Also I need suggestions for the book name.

PAGE 1:

Matthew was rather pleased.


He had just bought the newest model in the lucrative line of high-tech computers, the Ax3 13.0. Why it was that the A is multiplied by 3 is a mystery that historians had been researching for centuries.


He mused to himself that he would be the talk of the town for owning such a machine, perhaps his friends, who had all just bought the Ax3 12.0, would come to see it. He shoved his hands in his pockets and strolled down the street, doing his very best to look cool. His green cap turned backwards and tilted to one side, his skinny pants a size too small, and a hideous red shirt with a purple skull embedded on the black outline of a butterfly, underneath the name of which was an obscure band he’d never heard of. He thought it made him look ‘edgy’ and ‘deep’. As if the universe itself was watching, the earth beneath him shook back and forth and his legs buckled. Debree flew everywhere. Before he had time to wonder what the heck was going on, his primal instincts took over and he began his adrenaline-fueled marathon. He ran and ran until his lungs turned raw and his breath became fire, but still the earth beneath him rocked, as if the Earth had been at sea for too long. Countless screams of “Help” brushed past him, but his shame was only outmatched by his pure cowardice. When he finally came to a stop, his forehead was bruised and his body was drenched in sweat, more than he’d ever been in his life. Debree was littered around him. “W-what…” he said, stuttering as his mind adjusted to the situation around him, and suddenly the lack of shaking seemed almost odd.


“Odd, isn’t it?”


That voice wasn’t his. Matthew turned around with a start, fists weakly raised.


“Whoah, calm down buddy, if you want to blame somebody, blame them.”


As he wiped the sweat from his eyes, and his vision returned from the hazy blur of panic, he saw before was a pale young man. About 20 years old, with red hair and a Marvel-themed hoodie.


“G-ginger?” He softly spoke, switches still activating.

“That’s a little harsh for someone you’ve just met, wouldn’t you say?” He said, and then pulled up his hood.


“Oh, I’m sorry… I’m just kind off...yeah..” Matthew chuckled, half at the situation, and half at his own patheticness.


“At a loss for words?” The man spoke.

To Be Continued Tommorow. I will post new pages as replies.

 

[KorStonesword]

In an effort not to overly bump my own thread, if there's no thread replies by tomorrow, I will be moving this story over to wordpress.
PAGE 2:

“Yeah...that.” Matthew replied, finally beginning to recover. He realized he hadn’t asked the man’s name. “By the way, what’s your name? I’m Matthew.”


“Oh, I’m Dante Westerson. Would you care to give me your last name? I can’t help you much without it.” He said, with an expression somewhere between a smile and a exasperated cringe.


“Right.. Forester. That’s my last name.” Matthew breathed out in an exaggerated sigh. This man was really starting to irk him.


“I thought so…” Dante replied.


Matthew recalled how much he hated it when people said things like that, and never told you what it was.


“Right. You think you need some help getting home? Do you live around here?” Dante said, and if Matthew were a little brighter, he would’ve thought that there seemed to be something malicious in those words.


Matthew had never learned not to trust or talk to strangers. He had a hard enough time getting the people he already knew to talk to him, and in his memory he’d never even been talked to by a stranger before, excluding people trying to sell him something. But even then, Matthew wasn’t a complete idiot, and human senses warned him against it.


“I’ll be fine on my own, but thanks for your concern.” Matthew could’ve sworn he saw a flash of anger in Dante’s face.


“Oh alrighty then, well I guess I’ll see you around, goodbye!” Dante replied, scratching the back of head and chuckling awkwardly. He slowly strolled off down the street and as Matthew watched him shrink into the distance, he wondered if that man was a friend of his dad’s.


“...That?” He mumbled, recalling Dante’s first words to him. He turned around and looked off in the distance, but the sky was nothing but blue with a light gray film of dust. Matthew walked home, doing his best to retain his look despite the situation. He watched an ant crawl across the shattered sidewalk. It was small, as ants tend to be, and it seemed to be locked in a endless struggle of climbing what to him must have been an endless series of near-insurmountable walls. “I guess I’m better off than you, aren’t I?” He chuckled reassuringly. Matthew suddenly felt very afraid, and ran all the way to the train station, ignoring the policemen and ambulances.

 

[Miner9823]

I have to admit, the range of vocabulary seems admirable, and I do like the fast paced, action story-line so far, well, that's how I portray it. And so far, it really does have a lot of questions yet to be answered. Which really does bring some suspense, which I love reading, I really do like the fantasy in to reality kind of environment and collision so far. However, I would definitely suggest adding a little more detail to the environment around Matthew, maybe describe a little bit more about his inner feelings, or what he thought of while the ground started shaking. Or maybe add a little more description to what he felt when he was running and how he met Dante, sort of like "Who could this individual be?" Or maybe phrase it in a way to state even more inner feelings and opinions towards Dante, and I do like how Matthew has the sense of distrust in Dante, which is good, and given the reason as well. The encounter between Matthew and Dante seemed a little too fast paced, I think that a lot of "juicy" detail can be added in the time of the encounter, maybe describing where the debris flew to, or add a little more detail towards how Dante made his entrance. Remember, since this is 3rd person perspective, you have a great advantage to describe a lot more about the environment, not just the protagonist's perspective.

Overall, I think that the story so far is going absolutely incredible, and I am excited to seeing what goes on next.

 

[Mooclan]

As if the universe itself was watching, the earth beneath him shook back and forth and his legs buckled. Debree flew everywhere.

Debree was littered around him

Debris*

c: I look forwards to reading more.

 

[Moose]

I look forward to seeing more.

 

[Lively]

Why it was that the A is multiplied by 3 is a mystery that historians had been researching for centuries.

This sounds kinda stupid. It may have been intended as a joke, but it doesn't work.

He mused to himself that he would be the talk of the town for owning such a machine, perhaps his friends, who had all just bought the Ax3 12.0, would come to see it.

This is a run-on sentence.

His green cap turned backwards and tilted to one side, his skinny pants a size too small, and a hideous red shirt with a purple skull embedded on the black outline of a butterfly, underneath the name of which was an obscure band he'd never heard of.

Is it really necessary to go into so much detail for his clothing?

As if the universe itself was watching, the earth beneath him shook back and forth and his legs buckled. Debree flew everywhere.

This is something that a lot of new writers fail to remember. You have to pace your story. The first small portion of the book should be used to introduce other characters, set up the story, and to show the characters interacting in a normal setting. Try to plan your book before you write it.

Before he had time to wonder what the heck was going on, his primal instincts took over and he began his adrenaline-fueled marathon.

This sentence is just: eh. It sounds rather awkward and could be re-written.

as if the Earth had been at sea for too long.

This isn't a bad simile, but it doesn't fit. You used a few great metaphors in the clause before this, and this clause just makes the whole thing sound silly.

Countless screams of “Help” brushed past him, but his shame was only outmatched by his pure cowardice.

That's really not a reason to be shameful. In an emergency, someone's own skin is more important than others. Also, in an emergency, which use the natural fight-or-flight response, people will ignore everything else aside from their own safety. Fear is a wonderful thing. If someone was shouting for help, this guy would have barely noticed.

When he finally came to a stop, his forehead was bruised and his body was drenched in sweat, more than he’d ever been in his life.

You can drop this clause: "more than he’d ever been in his life." It adds little to the story.

Debree

I just noticed that you've been misspelling "debris." Debris is French, and therefor spelled weird.

“W-what…” he said, stuttering as his mind adjusted to the situation around him, and suddenly the lack of shaking seemed almost odd.

When did the quaking stop?

That voice wasn’t his.

Really? I never would have guessed. You can drop this sentence.

Matthew turned around with a start, fists weakly raised.

Why? He just escaped from an earthquake esque disaster. Why is Matthew suddenly so hostile? Does he have a reason to be?

“Whoah, calm down buddy, if you want to blame somebody, blame them.”

Why are you blaming someone over an earthquake? Those things are natural. They may be rare if you don't live near a fault plate, but they can still happen.

he saw before was a pale young man.

You really should re-write this. There are a few words missing.

About 20 years old, with red hair and a Marvel-themed hoodie.

This doesn't need to be a sentence all on its own.

switches still activating.

What switches?

Matthew chuckled, half at the situation, and half at his own patheticness.

Honestly, I am aware of the "mortal chuckle" trope/cliche, where a character will laugh or chuckle in a very morbid situation, but this is a poor use of that trope.

He realized he hadn’t asked the man’s name.

Is that really such an issue? There was just an earthquake, and you previously stated how proud of his computer he is, and he seems pretty safe right now, so why does he suddenly care about this guy? I'd be more worried about my family or expensive things, but I'm a thoroughly dislikeable person.

Would you care to give me your last name? I can’t help you much without it.”

Why? How can Dante help him? Can he help him get back home or something? Because I can easily get back home without telling someone my last name.

Matthew breathed out in an exaggerated sigh. This man was really starting to irk him.

Why is Dante getting on Matthew's nerves? I'm not getting any annoyed connotation from the dialogue.

Matthew recalled how much he hated it when people said things like that, and never told you what it was.

You really don't need that last clause. It doesn't add anything, and it's incomprehensible.

and if Matthew were a little brighter, he would’ve thought that there seemed to be something malicious in those words.

That's one of the things about writing a book. You have to think about how much you want the audience to know. Are you writing this in 3rd person limited or omniscient? It's also better to practice the "Show, don't Tell" policy, where you show us through the characters' interactions and body language what they are feeling or thinking without actually saying.

Matthew had never learned not to trust or talk to strangers

Double negatives are hard to read, try to avoid them.

and in his memory he’d never even been talked to by a stranger before, excluding people trying to sell him something.

This is incredibly unlikely, in a realistic setting.

“Oh alrighty then, well I guess I’ll see you around, goodbye!”

Run-on sentence again.

but the sky was nothing but blue with a light gray film of dust.

So... Is it blue or gray? Having a film of dust can dramatically change the color of the sky. During the evening when the sky seems red, that is because the position of the sun lets it shine directly through all the dust and debris in the air. This is one of the reasons that the sky looks red in the evening. Research is necessary for almost any type of book.

e watched an ant crawl across the shattered sidewalk. It was small, as ants tend to be, and it seemed to be locked in a endless struggle of climbing what to him must have been an endless series of near-insurmountable walls.

If this is supposed to be foreshadowing, it's quite forced and ham-fisted.

Matthew suddenly felt very afraid,

Why?

All in all, this is rather poorly written. The pacing is a roller coaster, and that is not a good thing, there is little to no exposition, there is little accounting for actual human psychology, and there is a large lack of good descriptions. The use of similes and metaphors varies in quality, but needs work regardless. Spelling, grammar, and sentence structure all need work as well.
KorStonesword, you really should know that it is very difficult to write a book. There is a ton of planning and research put into them.

 

[Zauron]

Dang Lively, you harsh. :L

 

[Miner9823]

Dang Lively, you harsh. :L

Sometimes criticism is very well needed to help the individual improve, maybe it seemed harsh and all, but I would hope it will help KorStonsword when writing a story. But all in all, I think that the story so far seems pretty great in my opinion.

 

[Lively]

Dang Lively, you harsh. :L

To go along with Miner's post. I'm not really being harsh. I do want Kor to write better, and good critique is the best way to do that. I'm being blunt, not harsh.

 

[Zauron]

To go along with Miner's post. I'm not really being harsh. I do want Kor to write better, and good critique is the best way to do that. I'm being blunt, not harsh.

It's nice that you're trying to help, but I personally would prefer hearing something along the lines 'Not that well written' rather than 'Poorly written.'
Do keep in mind that I was also joking.

 

[Cole]

Really good story, just a quick question, how do you make comparisons like that.

"He ran and ran until his lungs turned raw and his breath became fire, but still the earth beneath him rocked, as if the Earth had been at sea for too long. Countless screams of “Help” brushed past him, but his shame was only outmatched by his pure cowardice."

 

[Danny]

Amazing story, better than I could ever write at least xD