Life isn't as hard as we think.
I think people need to believe in something to withstand and overcome adversity.
I've come to acknowledge that
it's alright to believe in happiness, sadness, in equanimity and pain. To come to the point were you believe in your emotions and you're faithful to them, you can realize that it's okay, that life isn't so hard, that everything will be alright, that you will be alright.
I think
society inculcates us that to be happy, you have to have friends, money, and a family
. I think that
because we're inculcated with this ideology, we're more selfish, we're fed up by avarice, and we tend to materialize things. And once we lose what we thought happiness was, we come to depression. I feel things need to stop being sugarcoated, instead things should be told as how they actually are. Our parents, when we're younger, tend to sugarcoat things and that just gets us more scared when we grow up and see the actual truth for ourselves. We can't blame our parents, honestly, because we aren't perfect.
When I was younger, I didn't have friends. Once I hit 6th grade, I wanted to make friends and be popular. I made some friends, but conflicts happened, I panicked. I started getting depressed, however I never actually went see a doctor —didn't even need one, as I can overcome things alone.
While I was depressed, I thought that I should just die, that I wouldn't feel sad anymore. I tend to realize reality quickly and understood that the right thing wasn't to suicide or harm myself. From time to time I came to overcome what had happened. I still had some of the friends I had made and, more problems started happening afterwards, I got envious, but I couldn't care enough.
For 7th grade, didn't really had any friends. I started online gaming on may of 2013 and Good got pretty real.
I wasn't the social guy or anything. I started online gaming with MCSG and some friend who I'd team with asked me if I wanted to skype with her and I did, she was a nice girl (Still have her on skype, however after a year she developed into a totally new person that I don't talk to anymore). I was really scared at first, actually. She was used to skyping with online people so she was just being herself. I then got introduced to her friends and made more and more and more friends and started becoming more open, outspoken and started finding it normal.
Through the friends I made, I made more and through them I started meeting more people that were really into MCSG. Through them, I learned that people cared about their ratio and find out that I was so bad at pvp! Somewhere between there, I met Duckluv and she enlightened me a bit with clans and other things. She was a nice girl to talk to, and at the time I really wanted to be acknowledged by her as I find her as a role model for her previous work on MCSG.
Anyway, enough filling and flashbacks. Back on track:
I started doing teamspeak, MCSG's teamspeak. People were scary. My first time on teamspeak I was kicked from the channel and muted for doing nothing. People started getting annoyed of this girl complaining of how it was all better now that I was muted —I felt a bit bad. I wasn't thinking of getting in teamspeak anymore, but my friend Jennifer convinced me. She was really popular there and had just gotten friend rank. She told me moderators were nice and that I wouldn't really encounter another incident like the one I had been through before. It wasn't so bad afterwards, it was interesting, actually —now that I think about it.
Well, um, mods (people with power) started abusing me. Literally, once in teamspeak, someone started searching my name online and tried to find out were I lived and actually happened to find my family! I was pretty scared, and since then I got scared of people with power as nobody would tell him to stop because they'd be scared to get banned.
Then I'd get punished for minor offenses or honestly nothing wrong. I was even once banned for "harassing" a friend... And, even when I was banned with multiple people in the chat, nobody would speak up for me or defend me or even console me —it started to remind me of how IRL friends are.
As I just said, I was reminded of how IRL people and friends in general are. IRL, I'd just go inside my shell, but with the internet it was a bit different. I had made many good friends and wanted to speak with them, but I was also scared a bit of people. At some point, I wouldn't even speak to some and only would speak occasionally to some friends. Then, I didn't even speak at all, but when that started, I came to realize who cared of me and who didn't. Since I wouldn't speak, I'd type in teamspeak chat. Those who cared of what I had to say would read chat and reply in chat or reply with their voice. I started hanging with the cool kids and was eventually on a Sr.mod chat everyday. Joshkey was a really nice person and Sr.mod, and so were the people who I hanged out with (chandelle and stephanie).
Anyway, I then left MCSG teamspeak, was really fed up and just left like nothing. I then started Rebels and Good got even worse, however, Rebels people were so mean that I eventually got strong —and made so many incredible friends in the end that I stayed on rebels for 9 months. Through the time I was in Rebels, 9 months, I didn't use my mic at all. At first I did use it (since I started going on Rebels teamspeak, not often, before I totally stopped using it).
Right between here summer vacations were over and had to go to school.
I was scared of people, literally. First day was normal, but gradually I didn't want to go to school. I was scared, I'd cry every morning, and eventually skipped school for almost a while bimester (2 months period). I had failed 5-6 subjects that bimester and things weren't good. I knew I had to go to school because of my own good and I started going more often.
At this time I wasn't interested at all in friends; find it ironic because that's when I started making friends. I still had the experience of talking to friends online so It wasn't overly hard to talk, but I would avoid talking.
OKAY, this got long.
Point is: I had to learn the harsh way, but I came to accept myself, to accept the people that surround me and to accept everyone has flaws. In Rebels, I also came by, by people with power who wouldn't accept me, and would bring me down, but I overcame it —however I still have grudge and hate to people with power, whether I know them or not. I also understood that once you accept yourself, people will start accepting you, but you need to understand that there will be some what won't accept you one-way-or-another. And understood that things come out of the blue, and that you shouldn't really looks for things, you should let things find you.
After some time of playing MCSG, I was fed up with overplaying the same thing, of the same bullshit daily, or stats, stats, stats, ratio, and that's when I learned to not care about things anymore; and so, I stopped caring, gradually, but stopped caring.
I find this story pretty childish, definitely not as amazing as other stories (could possibly change the teamspeak story into a school place or something, but I'd rather tell the actual facts). Nonetheless, what happened made me stronger, made be wiser, made be less confident and more shy, but I'm fine with that.
Today, I come to understand that I am grateful with the things that happened in the past, that I am glad of the friends I have made and I'm happy the way I am. I've come to understand that we humans, as individuals, are incredibly powerful and now I'm able to withstand what people think about me; couldn't care at all of what people think of my personality, or the way I look now.
I think just recently I become aware that
It's healthy to believe in something, that
it's important to abide to your principles and to look back at your words and never go back at them; stay faithful to what you believe. And most important, that
to understand someone else, you need to understand their pain —psychology, pretty much.
Before all that, I had many family problems, like my mom drinking alcohol (she still does, but not incredibly bad as before), my dad leaving me (which I haven't seen in 7 years) or teachers being terrible to me or my Grandpas death. Most of these events didn't mean much back then. Sound like such a bad person, it's just that I didn't think they were important, didn't knew what death was or how was I supposed to feel.
So, after all that, I can say that life isn't as hard as we think. It really isn't that hard. I repeat myself that mostly everyday and I just can't agree more than enough that life isn't as hard as we think.
Kay~
Edit: Forgot to mention that Anime helped me through a lot.
A lot of people think of Anime as childish cartoons, but Anime is much more than that.
Thanks to Anime, I have my current ideology. To anyone, I recommend you watch anime, you won't be disappointed
(click here to check the list of anime I have watched)
