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Hello. This little line of text is to compare how much time it took me to write this: Right now, it's 7:43 PM. The actual thread is down there. \/
I think I am close enough to the MCSG community to share about me and how I really am. This has to do with my depression. Now, sit down and get into a comfortable position as this will probably take a few minutes to read and comprehend. Before you read this, I would like to say that I am in fact extremely apprehensive about sharing this. I am literally trembling all over and correcting my writing every letter or so. This thread will probably break a few forum rules about cursing and such, but I feel like I have to be completely honest when I share about this and express myself in the easiest way possible so that everyone can understand me. And when I'm honest, I can get pretty f*cked up.
I would personally like to thank MoLoToV and TheCornStealer for giving me the courage and the urge to share this.
This thread has to do with my recent depression, having to do with a girl.
I do not know why I am so depressed about this. In comparison to other people who lose family members and friends, or who have internal family issues, my situation seems like nothing. Absolute sh*it. It just doesn't make any sense! I'm more sad about this than I was when my grandfather passed!! It makes me feel as if I am a Inappropriate body part on a male who's overreacting about some tiny sh*t that would't even matter to someone else!
Most of those that actually know and recognize me know me as a jovial and amiable person who is always happy and posts around in the forums all "Leedleeedleee" or something. But in truth, it is quite odd how I feel. Usually, I am in fact a jovial person when I act IRL. But in my mind, I am a deep and cavernous hole filled with sadness, stupidity, and self-hate. I'll explain more about this later- let me get to what the problem actually is.
It all started back when I was elected to be class representative, about 2 years ago. This girl in my class, whom I'll call "Amber" for the sake of her privacy, was also elected as the other class representative. Before us both joining the student council, we almost never talked. She was just a normal girl in my grade to me, and I was just a normal boy in the grade to her. Now that we were both in the student council, we had to work together to do certain things and attend the Student Council meeting and such. It was during these meetings and activities that we quickly became extremely close friends and talked to one another. We did a lot of things together, and I was happily forced to seeing her at least 3 times every week. (the student council president was a shy girl, she didn't get to intervene much :3) That was back when my life was awesome!
She was amazing, and I loved to do everything with her.
Then, October came along. Specifically, October 8th. (yes I remember the exact date, idk if that's weird) I was in a Student Council meeting with her, I turned around to look at her, and I realized that I was in love. I must have been in love for a while without knowing, but it was in that exact moment where I realized that she was absolutely perfect. It was as if Cupid struck me with an arrow at that exact moment. She somehow instantly became a beautiful girl that I wanted all for myself. She is the most unbelievably awesome, most unexplainably beautiful, most unimaginably PERFECT person I have ever met in the world. After that day, I wasn't only in love with her- I was in love with my life. My life was almost perfect. I only needed one thing. I needed her.
Our friendly "relationship" continued for another few months. I was so in love with her that I couldn't even stand to go back home on weekends: I really did look forward to Mondays so I could see her.
I would continue to explain about how amazing she is and about how much I love her, but that would keep me here for another couple of hours. So I'll get to what happened. It was around March, somewhere between the 3rd and the 5th. (my b-day is on the 6th, btw) I was with her, and I decided to ask her to go out on a date with me. She reacted......kinda oddly. It was a way that I've never seen her act. I'm not going into specifics into what exactly happened here, as I'm kinda tearing up and my breathing is accelerating.
Basically, she pulled the friend-zone card on me. She said that I was a really cool person and that she loved me too, but not in that way. She said that she "didn't want to ruin our relationship."
(By the way, this entire story is happening in Spanish, she is Argentinian and we both live in Puerto Rico)
blah blah blah, skip a lot of important information. Sorry, I just can't write about this. I already have a headache and some stains on my keyboard from sweat.
This made me quite sad, in fact. Terribly sad. I was, and still am, a mess. It was as if...as if someone gave you something amazing that would make your life complete, let you love it and get used to it for months, and then burn it right in your face. I was shattered. Broken. Dead. After that....we never spoke. We just couldn't. Since then, almost exactly a year ago, I've probably said a total of 5 words to her. (in person) The awkwardness was like a giant wall that kept us from speaking to each other. For some reason, this awkwardness was as hard to break as obsidian with your fists.
I think she was down for a while too, but she quickly recovered. She continued her life, and I can't blame her for that. I just feel like I was the one who didn't get over it, the one who continues feeding the wall of awkwardness. She continued to talk to other boys, this infuriated me. I've almost gotten down to punching this guy in the face because I caught him staring at her ass. I just don't get the fact that she used to care about me and worry about me, and suddenly pretend as if it never happened. She friend-zoned me, but this whole thing has destroyed our friendship. Does that mean that she lied to me?? Does she not care about me anymore?? Did she ever even care about me?
Weeks after that, I texted her about what happened. She said that I never talk to her and that after what happened, I became "super depressed", "very odd" and "kind of a stalker". I know I was doing those three things, and I've said sorry to her hundreds of times. She always tells me to not worry, that she does in fact care. If she really cared, wouldn't she come to my side and try to talk to me??? I know I can't expect her to do that, but it's as if she doesn't give a Good about what happens. It's like I'm just.....something she forgot. Something that doesn't matter anymore. Like it doesn't matter if I die, like she wouldn't care if I died.
This was when the suicidal thoughts came. After I became depressed about our problem, I cut off my attachments with most of my friends. I thought of how almost nobody would care if I died......it surely seems as if she doesn't. (Take notice that multiple side problems such as personal issues, extreme loss of self-esteem, death in the family, and so on have been I've actually been tempted to jump off my school's second story window multiple times......once I was extremely close to doing it. Now, I'm just a shell of my former self. Nothing left. The only place where I can express myself in the way I was, is here in the forums and when I play Minecraft. It's like my savior that is keeping me from committing suicide.
I really would continue, I'm sorry about this, but I just can't keep on. It's really hard, I don't know why.
But please, if you have the time, can you please give me suggestions on what to do???
Just please, I can't continue like this. Just anything would help.
<3 Have a nice day, ladies and gents.
(9:56 PM people. That's a nice 2 hours on this, and I'm not even done lol.
I think I am close enough to the MCSG community to share about me and how I really am. This has to do with my depression. Now, sit down and get into a comfortable position as this will probably take a few minutes to read and comprehend. Before you read this, I would like to say that I am in fact extremely apprehensive about sharing this. I am literally trembling all over and correcting my writing every letter or so. This thread will probably break a few forum rules about cursing and such, but I feel like I have to be completely honest when I share about this and express myself in the easiest way possible so that everyone can understand me. And when I'm honest, I can get pretty f*cked up.
I would personally like to thank MoLoToV and TheCornStealer for giving me the courage and the urge to share this.
This thread has to do with my recent depression, having to do with a girl.
I do not know why I am so depressed about this. In comparison to other people who lose family members and friends, or who have internal family issues, my situation seems like nothing. Absolute sh*it. It just doesn't make any sense! I'm more sad about this than I was when my grandfather passed!! It makes me feel as if I am a Inappropriate body part on a male who's overreacting about some tiny sh*t that would't even matter to someone else!
Most of those that actually know and recognize me know me as a jovial and amiable person who is always happy and posts around in the forums all "Leedleeedleee" or something. But in truth, it is quite odd how I feel. Usually, I am in fact a jovial person when I act IRL. But in my mind, I am a deep and cavernous hole filled with sadness, stupidity, and self-hate. I'll explain more about this later- let me get to what the problem actually is.
It all started back when I was elected to be class representative, about 2 years ago. This girl in my class, whom I'll call "Amber" for the sake of her privacy, was also elected as the other class representative. Before us both joining the student council, we almost never talked. She was just a normal girl in my grade to me, and I was just a normal boy in the grade to her. Now that we were both in the student council, we had to work together to do certain things and attend the Student Council meeting and such. It was during these meetings and activities that we quickly became extremely close friends and talked to one another. We did a lot of things together, and I was happily forced to seeing her at least 3 times every week. (the student council president was a shy girl, she didn't get to intervene much :3) That was back when my life was awesome!
She was amazing, and I loved to do everything with her.Then, October came along. Specifically, October 8th. (yes I remember the exact date, idk if that's weird) I was in a Student Council meeting with her, I turned around to look at her, and I realized that I was in love. I must have been in love for a while without knowing, but it was in that exact moment where I realized that she was absolutely perfect. It was as if Cupid struck me with an arrow at that exact moment. She somehow instantly became a beautiful girl that I wanted all for myself. She is the most unbelievably awesome, most unexplainably beautiful, most unimaginably PERFECT person I have ever met in the world. After that day, I wasn't only in love with her- I was in love with my life. My life was almost perfect. I only needed one thing. I needed her.
Our friendly "relationship" continued for another few months. I was so in love with her that I couldn't even stand to go back home on weekends: I really did look forward to Mondays so I could see her.
I would continue to explain about how amazing she is and about how much I love her, but that would keep me here for another couple of hours. So I'll get to what happened. It was around March, somewhere between the 3rd and the 5th. (my b-day is on the 6th, btw) I was with her, and I decided to ask her to go out on a date with me. She reacted......kinda oddly. It was a way that I've never seen her act. I'm not going into specifics into what exactly happened here, as I'm kinda tearing up and my breathing is accelerating.
Basically, she pulled the friend-zone card on me.
She said that I was a really cool person and that she loved me too, but not in that way. She said that she "didn't want to ruin our relationship." (By the way, this entire story is happening in Spanish, she is Argentinian and we both live in Puerto Rico)
blah blah blah, skip a lot of important information. Sorry, I just can't write about this. I already have a headache and some stains on my keyboard from sweat.
This made me quite sad, in fact. Terribly sad. I was, and still am, a mess. It was as if...as if someone gave you something amazing that would make your life complete, let you love it and get used to it for months, and then burn it right in your face. I was shattered. Broken. Dead. After that....we never spoke. We just couldn't. Since then, almost exactly a year ago, I've probably said a total of 5 words to her. (in person) The awkwardness was like a giant wall that kept us from speaking to each other. For some reason, this awkwardness was as hard to break as obsidian with your fists.
I think she was down for a while too, but she quickly recovered. She continued her life, and I can't blame her for that. I just feel like I was the one who didn't get over it, the one who continues feeding the wall of awkwardness. She continued to talk to other boys, this infuriated me. I've almost gotten down to punching this guy in the face because I caught him staring at her ass. I just don't get the fact that she used to care about me and worry about me, and suddenly pretend as if it never happened. She friend-zoned me, but this whole thing has destroyed our friendship. Does that mean that she lied to me?? Does she not care about me anymore?? Did she ever even care about me?
Weeks after that, I texted her about what happened. She said that I never talk to her and that after what happened, I became "super depressed", "very odd" and "kind of a stalker". I know I was doing those three things, and I've said sorry to her hundreds of times. She always tells me to not worry, that she does in fact care. If she really cared, wouldn't she come to my side and try to talk to me??? I know I can't expect her to do that, but it's as if she doesn't give a Good about what happens. It's like I'm just.....something she forgot. Something that doesn't matter anymore. Like it doesn't matter if I die, like she wouldn't care if I died.
This was when the suicidal thoughts came. After I became depressed about our problem, I cut off my attachments with most of my friends. I thought of how almost nobody would care if I died......it surely seems as if she doesn't. (Take notice that multiple side problems such as personal issues, extreme loss of self-esteem, death in the family, and so on have been I've actually been tempted to jump off my school's second story window multiple times......once I was extremely close to doing it. Now, I'm just a shell of my former self. Nothing left. The only place where I can express myself in the way I was, is here in the forums and when I play Minecraft. It's like my savior that is keeping me from committing suicide.
I really would continue, I'm sorry about this, but I just can't keep on. It's really hard, I don't know why.
But please, if you have the time, can you please give me suggestions on what to do???
Just please, I can't continue like this. Just anything would help.
<3 Have a nice day, ladies and gents.
(9:56 PM people. That's a nice 2 hours on this, and I'm not even done lol.
