Equalitee
Platinum
- Joined
- May 21, 2014
- Messages
- 1,328
- Reaction score
- 1,386
Please check out this link before reading. Also, put it on repeat: https://soundcloud.com/davidhydemusic/acoustic-pop-rock-alternative
Hello everyone
I am never really one to talk about my feelings out loud. I find they deserve, or are at least expressed properly, in writing. Some of you may find this familiar, but I decided to update it with more of the truth and more of my life story. So here it is.
August 25th, 1996, a baby boy was born with two parents by his side. His name was Christopher Michael Savage. He knew then that life was going to be full of twists and turns that will challenge his capability of surviving and fitting in.
Growing up, he was always a shy person. He was never really one to open up to people in fear of being rejected or disappointing someone for whatever reason.
On the first day of third grade, he met his very close friend, Tristan Landry. As they played soccer, almost everyday, along with the rest of their friends, he developed what seemed to be a crush. This one was different from all the other crushes. This boy had a crush with another boy.
Since that day, this little boy, Christopher, was bullied for being different than everyone else. Being gay was and still is not accepted by the majority of society. Everyday, he woke up to hurtful remarks, which turned into tears as he went to sleep at night wondering if the next day would improve. It did not.
As life continued on, Christopher lost one of his very close family members; the one that would always be there for him when in need. His grandmother. His grandmother was the closest person in his life. The closest thing to love in his life. When she left, and these hateful remarks were thrown around, he got depressed. Left defenceless with no one around to help him anymore, suicide was his idea of escaping reality, of escaping all his pain and suffering. But then he realized suicide was not the answer. He was also told as a child to live life the way you want to, to embarrass what you are blessed with, to live, to laugh, and to love.
His strong self-confidence and desire to live had built him a hard turtle shell. He has been blessed with the people he now has in his life and was inspired by his little self to help those in need. Being able to help those in need was a great way for him to help teach others in the world to be strong, to be themselves.
On July 28th, 2014, Christopher found the courage and strength to come out to the world:
On September 20th, 2014, he told everyone of his "catfish" and resigned from the MCGamer Staff telling them that he would re-apply on January 9th. By being a moderator on the MCGamer Network, Christopher was able to be there for those who have been harassed or bullied, for those who have been left defenceless, for those who are in need of someone to talk to and confide in.
In pain of losing his Moderator rank, he needed someone to love, care and support him. So he decided to date Dave, life855, the admin, the life of the servers. However, he decided to end it because there were a lot of things worrying him in the relationship and had noticed Dave wasn't the one he loved. It was the friend he had known from the beginning of his "catfish". It was Joey. Joey loved him too, they both knew they loved each other, but Christopher was too scared to go back on his word of "I'm into older guys" because to him, he knew that he would have been telling another lie. So he decided to date Dave. Joey went through a lot of pain and suffering, and in the end, moved on.
Now, just over a week ago, I posted a thread saying that I was going to leave the community, but then later decided I was going to stay. Let me just say this, it was a bad idea.
People come to me everyday asking me how I am, and I tell them that I am doing well, when in reality, I'm not. Everyday is a constant struggle and lie in my life. Nothing is stable, therefore, I cannot live a stable lifestyle. I am always upset. I'm always crying myself to sleep. I'm always wishing for the next day to be better, but it never happens. I cannot live a life of constant pain and disappointment. I'm always told that I am a burden to the family, that I am unworthy and selfish, and at the end of the day, I am blamed for their crappy lives. I have created who I was as a person as a defence mechanism, to keep myself healthy and safe, but that has completely broken down. Like I said, I am blamed for the crappy lives of other people, when all I am trying to do is make it through the next day, safe an happy. It's not possible anymore. I am always scared. I cry in fear of my mother hearing me, and getting mad at me for the way I am feeling. My family is always fighting. I cannot go through one day without hearing people scream and yell. One moment I want to do something, but in the next moment, something scares me into not doing it. I do have dreams. I dream to become a successful YouTuber that does inspirational vlogs and inspired other people to be themselves, to be happy. I dream to go to a Britney Spears concert. I dream to go to an Ariana Grande concert. I dream to see the day where Britney and Ariana do a song together. I dream of the day where I move to LA. I dream of the day where I create this successful organization that allows people to follow their dreams, something I have not been able to do because my family was not wealthy enough when I was young to afford such things. I dream of the day where I finally find happiness and love. But I'm afraid of losing the people I love the most, like I have lost Joey, because all I am trying to do is seek what everyone deserves; happiness. I hurt more people than I should, and it's no where near intentional. And in no way am I trying to hurt Joey or blame him for everything in my life. I LOVE Joey. No one should ever underestimate him. He's an amazing person. A person everyone should take time and effort into getting to knowing. I cry for his love everyday, hoping that he can hear the pain and suffering I am going through, but at the same time, I did the same thing to him, so why should I be treated any differently? It's a bit hypocritical on my part.
All I know is, is that I am weak. Is that everything I have worked so hard for, is slipping away because I am so weak, and I can no longer hold on. At this point, I honestly have no idea what I am doing with my life, why I am even here. I am an empty, crying soul, trying to find the puzzle pieces to put everything back together. Some may say that this is a cry for attention, but it is not. These are real emotions, coming from a real person, and if for one second you think that this is a cry for attention, I have lost all respect for you as a human. Emotions are the one thing a person has, the one thing that will never leave them. Those are true, those are real. I honestly wake up everyday, and go through the same routine, but I never see how it will affect my future, how it is beneficial. I am a lost soul waiting to be found.
Anyways, that is all. I guess this is goodbye. I have no idea. Maybe it is just another lie? Like I said in the beginning, all I know how to do is express my feelings through writing. Maybe this is the intention of the thread? To be able to free my emotions so that I have room for happiness? I don't know. All I know is that this is the way I am feeling, and I am unhappy about it. I find that if someone is unhappy with something, they should attempt to do something to fix it. Maybe this is my attempt.
Attempting to find himself again, thank you all for reading this thread. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.
Equalitee | Christopher.
Hello everyone
I am never really one to talk about my feelings out loud. I find they deserve, or are at least expressed properly, in writing. Some of you may find this familiar, but I decided to update it with more of the truth and more of my life story. So here it is.
August 25th, 1996, a baby boy was born with two parents by his side. His name was Christopher Michael Savage. He knew then that life was going to be full of twists and turns that will challenge his capability of surviving and fitting in.
Growing up, he was always a shy person. He was never really one to open up to people in fear of being rejected or disappointing someone for whatever reason.
On the first day of third grade, he met his very close friend, Tristan Landry. As they played soccer, almost everyday, along with the rest of their friends, he developed what seemed to be a crush. This one was different from all the other crushes. This boy had a crush with another boy.
Since that day, this little boy, Christopher, was bullied for being different than everyone else. Being gay was and still is not accepted by the majority of society. Everyday, he woke up to hurtful remarks, which turned into tears as he went to sleep at night wondering if the next day would improve. It did not.
As life continued on, Christopher lost one of his very close family members; the one that would always be there for him when in need. His grandmother. His grandmother was the closest person in his life. The closest thing to love in his life. When she left, and these hateful remarks were thrown around, he got depressed. Left defenceless with no one around to help him anymore, suicide was his idea of escaping reality, of escaping all his pain and suffering. But then he realized suicide was not the answer. He was also told as a child to live life the way you want to, to embarrass what you are blessed with, to live, to laugh, and to love.
His strong self-confidence and desire to live had built him a hard turtle shell. He has been blessed with the people he now has in his life and was inspired by his little self to help those in need. Being able to help those in need was a great way for him to help teach others in the world to be strong, to be themselves.
On July 28th, 2014, Christopher found the courage and strength to come out to the world:
As Christopher never had any help back then and pushed for equalitee (incorrect spelling intended), the staff on the MCGamer Network had inspired him to take it to the next level. So he applied to be a moderator. However, with a previous MCGamer ban, he couldn't apply to the point where he would be accepted. So he decided to "catfish" the entire MCGamer Network. He bought an alternate account by the name of Equalitee and created his own new identity. He wanted to help the members of the MCGamer community much like his friends had helped him. However, upon taking the role of an MCGamer moderator, Christopher created a lot of new friendships, a lot of close friendships. Ones where he knew he could change their lives, positively.
On September 20th, 2014, he told everyone of his "catfish" and resigned from the MCGamer Staff telling them that he would re-apply on January 9th. By being a moderator on the MCGamer Network, Christopher was able to be there for those who have been harassed or bullied, for those who have been left defenceless, for those who are in need of someone to talk to and confide in.
In pain of losing his Moderator rank, he needed someone to love, care and support him. So he decided to date Dave, life855, the admin, the life of the servers. However, he decided to end it because there were a lot of things worrying him in the relationship and had noticed Dave wasn't the one he loved. It was the friend he had known from the beginning of his "catfish". It was Joey. Joey loved him too, they both knew they loved each other, but Christopher was too scared to go back on his word of "I'm into older guys" because to him, he knew that he would have been telling another lie. So he decided to date Dave. Joey went through a lot of pain and suffering, and in the end, moved on.
Now, just over a week ago, I posted a thread saying that I was going to leave the community, but then later decided I was going to stay. Let me just say this, it was a bad idea.
People come to me everyday asking me how I am, and I tell them that I am doing well, when in reality, I'm not. Everyday is a constant struggle and lie in my life. Nothing is stable, therefore, I cannot live a stable lifestyle. I am always upset. I'm always crying myself to sleep. I'm always wishing for the next day to be better, but it never happens. I cannot live a life of constant pain and disappointment. I'm always told that I am a burden to the family, that I am unworthy and selfish, and at the end of the day, I am blamed for their crappy lives. I have created who I was as a person as a defence mechanism, to keep myself healthy and safe, but that has completely broken down. Like I said, I am blamed for the crappy lives of other people, when all I am trying to do is make it through the next day, safe an happy. It's not possible anymore. I am always scared. I cry in fear of my mother hearing me, and getting mad at me for the way I am feeling. My family is always fighting. I cannot go through one day without hearing people scream and yell. One moment I want to do something, but in the next moment, something scares me into not doing it. I do have dreams. I dream to become a successful YouTuber that does inspirational vlogs and inspired other people to be themselves, to be happy. I dream to go to a Britney Spears concert. I dream to go to an Ariana Grande concert. I dream to see the day where Britney and Ariana do a song together. I dream of the day where I move to LA. I dream of the day where I create this successful organization that allows people to follow their dreams, something I have not been able to do because my family was not wealthy enough when I was young to afford such things. I dream of the day where I finally find happiness and love. But I'm afraid of losing the people I love the most, like I have lost Joey, because all I am trying to do is seek what everyone deserves; happiness. I hurt more people than I should, and it's no where near intentional. And in no way am I trying to hurt Joey or blame him for everything in my life. I LOVE Joey. No one should ever underestimate him. He's an amazing person. A person everyone should take time and effort into getting to knowing. I cry for his love everyday, hoping that he can hear the pain and suffering I am going through, but at the same time, I did the same thing to him, so why should I be treated any differently? It's a bit hypocritical on my part.
All I know is, is that I am weak. Is that everything I have worked so hard for, is slipping away because I am so weak, and I can no longer hold on. At this point, I honestly have no idea what I am doing with my life, why I am even here. I am an empty, crying soul, trying to find the puzzle pieces to put everything back together. Some may say that this is a cry for attention, but it is not. These are real emotions, coming from a real person, and if for one second you think that this is a cry for attention, I have lost all respect for you as a human. Emotions are the one thing a person has, the one thing that will never leave them. Those are true, those are real. I honestly wake up everyday, and go through the same routine, but I never see how it will affect my future, how it is beneficial. I am a lost soul waiting to be found.
Anyways, that is all. I guess this is goodbye. I have no idea. Maybe it is just another lie? Like I said in the beginning, all I know how to do is express my feelings through writing. Maybe this is the intention of the thread? To be able to free my emotions so that I have room for happiness? I don't know. All I know is that this is the way I am feeling, and I am unhappy about it. I find that if someone is unhappy with something, they should attempt to do something to fix it. Maybe this is my attempt.
Attempting to find himself again, thank you all for reading this thread. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.
Equalitee | Christopher.
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